I need to vent. Mods, if this kind of thing isn’t welcome in this community anymore…oh well. It helped me feel better at least typing my thoughts into the void.
I got married to a wonderful, beautiful woman in 2021 after being together for 5 years. My parents are big cruise fanatics. They go on vacation like this about once every year or two. We both told them before the wedding - because they did this for my brother when he got married - they can get us whatever they want for a wedding gift, just PLEASE no cruises.
And they listened! We got some very nice, very expensive bedsheets that were perfect!
Fast forward a year. I get a call. My parents booked a 4 day cruise to Mexico over the week after Christmas '23. I’m not particularly assertive, but I was offering pushback on it. I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
My wife also didn’t want it. Neither of us asked for this. But after a few months of talking about it, both of us agreed: it’s free, let’s give it a fair shake.
Fair shake given. We tried our best to like this. I’m writing this from my cabin docked at Cozumel. We deboarded the ship for 15 minutes and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowd. We turned around, went back to our cabin and are now sleeping the day away. Maybe we’ll hit up the hot tub before everybody comes back. The crowd is too much. The longer I spend on this gargantuan vessel, the smaller it gets.
My brother, his wife, and their two small kids are also here. I think they’re also pretty exhausted. It seems like my parents have gone out of their way to spend time with that foursome. As for me, I only get notifications once they’re already somewhere and I have to catch up. I got a message saying “We’re at Senor Frogs.” I did not get “We’re going to Senor Frogs. Wanna meet up?”
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it. I feel invisible because I didn’t ask for this. And I feel angry because I feel like an afterthought. I feel like I got invited to this because my parents wanted to spend a week with my brother’s kids and I was given a ticket to tag along so I wouldn’t feel left out. I wouldn’t have felt left out by not being invited to something I didn’t want. I wouldn’t feel left out if I had been given the opportunity to say no.
I’m just burnt tf out. I want my house. With my quarter acre. And my neighbor with the stupid subwoofer. I want my bed (that doesn’t rock because it’s on solid ground), my cats, my dog, my plaid pajamas, my cold weather, and my coffee back at home in Oklahoma. I would have rather stayed home and built puzzles with my (also puzzle-loving) wife for a week. We are slow-paced, solitary, almost antisocial creatures. I’m wired differently from my family. And though I feel guilty for being unappreciative of their gesture, I won’t feel ashamed of being different. I didn’t ask to be this way.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I’m done. We shove off back for the States in an hour or so. We’re over the hill. We’ll be home soon, and I will never do this again.
This sort of thing may be the ultimate fun time for them, and they may have just wanted to give you what they see as the ultimate fun time, but it’s not that for you. It’s okay that different people like different recreational things, and sometimes people with their hearts in the right place still need to be reminded of that fact. So, you can be gracious about the gift but keep this writeup.
When this is over, you can politely thank your parents for the gift and say no more if you want. But if they press the issue and genuinely want to know how you felt about it, if they really want you to be honest, you could tell them what you’ve just told us. If in the future they invite you to another cruise and give you any guff about taking no for an answer, tell them what you told us. You can still express gratitude that they gave you the chance to give this a fair shake, and politely decline repeating the experience. “I tried and it’s just not for me” is a valid takeaway from this, both for you and for them.
I think this is the way.
I’m genuinely mad at them right now because it seems they’ve exerted little effort to spend time with my wife and me…but we’re all adults here. I could have tried a little harder to reach out to them, too (because I just haven’t done a good job of that myself. Projecting, maybe?). And I’d like to have a debriefing with them, but only once I’m on dry land and had more time to cool off. Because right now, I’ve never been so inclined to tell them to fuck off. At least not since my teenage years lol
But once I’m home and unpacked and I’ve had the chance to wash my laundry, I think I’m going to tell them straight up that while I appreciated the opportunity to give this a fair try to please never do this again. We will have other opportunities to vacation together. Hell, if they want Cozumel, the island has an airport and tickets are only like 400 bucks a pop from OKC. I’d so much rather have flown here and had 3-5 days to experience the island with all it’s quiet holes in the wall and its beaches.
But cruising? I can’t do this again. And next time, it’s a hard pass. If they insist I come and pay for a ticket, I’m not showing up. I can’t go unheard on this topic again.
They’ve given you the gift of appreciation for your own home.
And subwoofer dude!
I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
“Yes, and it must really not be our thing if we are saying no to all of that.”
Sometimes you need to pick a position and dig in your heels. Even when they start pushing and you start doubting yourself you can remember that you already made your choice…but not so easy when something is just suddenly thrown at you and you don’t get an opportunity to think on it first.
A lot of the experiences you described sound a lot like stuff I deal with. Have you ever been tested for autism?
Have you ever been tested for autism?
Yes, 15+ years ago. The doctor said I had Asperger’s. I said bullshit, test me. Got tested. No Asperger’s. But honest to goodness, I fully believe I am on the spectrum. But I’m not going around saying I am without a proper diagnosis.
Digging in my heels is something I’m working on. I have a really hard time saying no and sticking with it because of trauma.
Why does everything on Lemmy and Reddit have to devolve into autism or depression? Dude just wants to build puzzles with his wife.
There’s a lot more there than ‘likes puzzles’. Sometimes when you have a thing or are part of a group, a lot of seemingly unrelated things start to make a pattern that others might not see. Like ‘gaydar’ or alcoholism or autism. And there is a lot of undiagnosed autism and just an enormous amount of depression in general. And also OP already affirmed what I said in this same thread a couple posts down. But I didn’t say he has autism, I asked if he’s been tested…and guess what?
So it’s possible “everything is autism and depression” includes a big dose of cognitive bias on your end.
I think this just happens to be one of the things we share with neurotypical adults that have overly cheery family members.
The universal experience of “jesuuuus I said no mom, wait, why are you crying? Fineeee I’ll do it. Oh wow you stopped crying just like that.”
Edit: I refuse to call my parents “n-parents”, but that’s what I meant by overly cheery. Their happiness over yours because culture.
n-parents
n? as in…?
The very same hahahahaha
This fits into the larger umbrella of parents giving their children things the parents believe their children should want, rather than things that are actually wanted or needed.
My sister is gay and prefers pants and “men’s” shirts. For years my mom would by my sister dresses and then lay down a guilt trip when my sister didn’t wear the dresses.
OP, you have every right to resent this. It sounds like your parents “invited” you because they already planned to have your brother along. They may have even been going for a bulk deal.
Someday in the future, someone will try to pressure you into another cruise, saying that you didn’t have fun because you didn’t go with the “right” people, didn’t do the “right” things or go to the “right” locations, etc. It’ll be up to you to decide what to say to them.
My family and I also have vastly different notions of what constitutes a good time. It can be hard for people who really enjoy a thing - especially a popular thing - that some people just don’t. Sometimes you do have to compromise a little on your own comfort to build and maintain family bonds; hopefully it goes both ways, and they’ll join you for quiet time with puzzles (or whatever) some other time. Maybe you can all have some family quiet time in cabins while the ship is underway, then let them go do their loud crowded things in port, but it sounds like it’s just time to chalk this up to tried it; not going again. Good on ya, giving it a fair try.
I’ve told my fam the things I don’t want to go along for and why, and they (mostly) remember and don’t ask again. Even if you’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. I’m careful to tell them when it’s a one-time no vs a categorical refusal, and sometimes they do stuff that bores them because I like it.
Like my nephew agreeing to sit through one more episode of Young Sheldon so my niece will play Monopoly with him.
“‘No’ is a complete answer”
or words to that effect.
Reminds me of the time when I was a kid where my mom and ex-stepdad wanted us to go on a helicopter on vacation. The second I saw it, I didn’t wanna go. I didn’t know what to expect and I was terrified. I don’t like going way up in the air. I complained until they eventually took me away from the place. I had a firm no against my narcissistic “parents” lol
Our family has never tried to drag us on a cruise, but I feel like this would me and my wife almost to a T. I do not get cruises at all, besides maybe Alaskan cruises. I’d much rather go to a country and visit it for real, not just go to some touristy resort.
Alaska is my favorite cruise. The view of glacers and mountins is great. The town you stop in not worth it, the sea days are not to miss.
At least you went, my guy. You can, without a doubt, say “that’s not a thing I like”. I have never done a cruise because I don’t think I would like them, and don’t want to be stuck in a boat for 3 more days after I find that out. Will I miss out on cruises? Probably not. Will I talk myself out of other things I might have actually enjoyed? Almost certainly.
It’s important to push boundaries and try new things, but it’s important-er to learn from those experiences and grow, even if the only “growth” you get here is the confirmation that trying a new thing might suck, but won’t kill you.
I had to learn a few years ago how to say no. It came after spending years trying to please everyone and always having to come up with excuses for coming up short while feeling like all I did was disappoint people.
When I met my wife, she was the same. She’d work horrible hours, like closing down a restaurant at 3am and then being there at 9am with about 4 hours of sleep. She’d wake up late, apologize profusely to her boss and drive insanely fast to work. She also had a hard time being at important events like birthdays because “they wouldn’t let me have the day off”
I taught her, most things in life require little explanation. Instead of saying “can I please have x day off, I need to yadayada”… Say “I’m letting you know ahead of time, I won’t be unavailable on x date.” Nothing further. And if they ask why, simply rephrase “like I said, I won’t be available.” Or “I have something to take care of.” It’s incredibly uncomfortable for them to press on further but if for some reason they do you can refuse to answer by changing the topic or by ignoring them.
Same with things like being tardy. If you’re already late, then be late. Have your breakfast, get dressed, drive safely. No need to make a bad day worse. When you call to let your boss know you’ll be late, same thing. Maybe offer a small apology, but no excuses. “Hey, my apologies, I’m running late. I’ll be there in 30 minutes or so.” If they say “omg no you can’t be late today how could you do this to me” keep your cool, “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
There’s a book called the power of no which I partially read. Highly recommend it. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/18595404
Here’s the description
… a well-placed ‘no’ will not only save you time and trouble—it will save your life.
“Takes a fresh approach to becoming masterful at using ‘no’ to say ‘yes’ to life.” —Cheryl Richardson, author of The Art of Extreme Self-Care
“No” is sometimes the hardest word to say. It’s also the most necessary.
How many times have you heard yourself saying yes to the wrong things—overwhelming requests, bad relationships, time-consuming obligations? How often have you wished you could summon the power to turn them down?
Drawing on their own stories, as well as feedback from their readers and students, authors James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher clearly show that you have the right to say
• To anything that is hurting you. • To standards that no longer serve you. • To people who drain you of your creativity and expression. • To beliefs that are not true to the real you.
It’s one thing to say “No,” the authors explain. It’s another thing to have the Power of No. When you do, you will have a stronger sense of what is good for you and the people around you, and you will have a deeper understanding of who you are. Ultimately, you’ll be freed to say a truly powerful “Yes” in your life—one that opens the door to opportunities, abundance, and love.
This sucks. I hope you find your peaceful place on board. If you switch your hours and become night owls for the remaining days that might help. Cruise ships at 4am are different to cruise ships at 4pm.
Your story put me in mind of my MIL and shrimps. She loves shrimps and thinks they’re fancy. Anytime she makes them for a family gathering she spends a great deal of time encouraging me to try them, and after the third or forth request I always do, and I always find the texture disgusting, I always say “the seasoning is lovely, I just really hate the texture of shrimp,” and she’s always so surprised that I don’t like her shrimp. Your parents love cruises so much they can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t. And I don’t know the solution because pretending to be willing to try a sea insect is a much smaller commitment than four days on a boat. However, if they do keep insisting that you repeat this experience see if you can pay the difference and get a balcony. Maybe see if they have this option for the remaining time this cruise.
“sea insect” is a fantastic description. :)
My parents loved to do family vacations, and a lot of them turned out pretty crappy for one reason or another. Seemed there was always at least one person that really didn’t want to be there. Both my parents passed away, within 5 months of each other a couple years ago and I would kill to go on one more family vacation, or play another round of golf with my dad.
If I were you, I’d just do what made me happy and let others do what makes them happy and not worry at all about those two things overlapping.
Definitely do not feel guilty, but also try not to feel resentful. Lesson learned, next time you know to give a firm “no”.
Dave Wallace wrote a pretty popular essay called “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” which covers his unfortunate experiences on a paid-for cruise. Could be worth a read if you want some humor and commiseration.
I found a copy on Scribd, you might be able to find it elsewhere if you poke around.
https://www.scribd.com/document/157911921/DFWallace-A-Supposedly-Fun-Thing-I-ll-Never-Do-Again-pdf
I absolutely relate. I’m a cold weather person, I get very angsty and depressed in warmer climates. I also hate traveling, I hate planes and hotels and the whole experience of it. My parents are the opposite. They’re strong warm weather people who enjoy frequently traveling, and when I was younger they would regularly drag me and my brothers on vacation to whatever tropical location they had their eyes on.
A couple years ago they moved to Florida, and having to travel to Florida every Christmas has been hell. I’m writing this as I’m still there, I can’t bear it. It’s not just the heat, it’s the whole element of traveling and being away from home.
It’s not that I don’t love my family, I just don’t like being dragged around to absurdly hot climates and sleeping in a bed that isn’t mine.
