I only realised it later that many people have a transactional view of life. They think everything single activity must have a purpose. And while they not actively seek it, at the back of their minds they expect some sort reward. Like, the dude who scoffed the guy learning to play flute probably only wants to learn new skills if it impresses others, like a girl or something.
While everything you said is valid, sometimes that question is pure curiosity. “Because i want to” is completely valid, though I’d love to know what the inspiration for that desire was. Did you hear a really cool battle song? Some orchestral piece that sounded great? A friend recommended it? Couldn’t find an ocarina? Jamming to some folk metal?
I got a lot of “but why?” from other adults for my hobbies. Recently bought a cheap guitar and amp because I want to learn it. Every casual friend adult did a “but why? You won’t be in a band or anything.” Pursuing something because it interests you is outside of the norm for a lot of people.
I also noticed people have wildly defeatist attitudes about hobbies. No, I won’t be as good as Kirk Hammet (Metallica) in a year. For a lot of people that means they should not even try.
I would rather be boring and be able to play the bard music from Skyrim.
Oh for sure. I’m not suggesting that those situations don’t occur, they absolutely do. I’m adding that there’s the alternative possibility that I’m legitimately curious as to the reasoning. I could also see some validity in the you don’t want to be in a band comment, because that person or those people might wonder why the choice was made.
Not understanding something and asking questions isn’t always the same as a personal attack. I think we all need to be a little better about giving the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
For the record, i don’t think that’s boring at all, that sounds pretty neat. Jam away!!
That whole “Why do I have to learn this? I’m never going to use it!” attitude from school. Learning a new skill is the reward. I love learning new skills. It’s my hobby. I’m never going to be an expert in anything, but I get to learn a whole bunch of interesting things.
I have been asked why the things I do are always so hard (implying that probably I just suck). It’s true, I do suck at most things I do, because I seldom do the same thing for a very long time.
Still, that only works so long as learning the skill can be made fun and rewarding. I think school failed at this in many cases.
As someone with ADHD, life is exactly this: negotiating with your brain to do the unrewarding thing by including a reward (i.e. buying a $40 pair of fluffy socks to make laundry end in a pleasant feeling). My “did a good job” dopamine response is hella muted and it makes anything that isn’t an immediate need or spur-of-the-moment whim get prioritized very poorly. Having a “transactional view” may be less about personality and more about mental makeup.
Everything doesn’t have to be transactional, but there are a lot of activities that will eat away at your time and your life to your detriment. I like getting stoned and goofing off as much as the next guy, but sometimes it is a good idea to intentionally choose activities that add value to yourself or your life rather than ones that don’t.
I have a friend who spends nearly all of his time playing video games and smoking weed. There is no value judgment there, but I know it has caused him to miss a lot of opportunities for romance, career advancement, new experiences, and a lot more. It makes him miserable, but he refuses to acknowledge it is a problem, and acts like I’m a jerk if I try to bring it up.
So I guess my opinion is that everyone is entitled to do as they will, but it also behooves you to keep trying new things, especially when you are objectively not happy with your current situation.
That’s a fair point. But I suppose even with leisurely activities, it could help you improve your other activities, mental faculties and functioning, depending on how you do it or what that activity is. Playing sports is maybe fun but it also improves your ability to work in a team, which is important in a workplace. Depending on the videogame you’re playing, it can also be educational and improve temperament. I learned lots of history and geography playing Hearts of Iron. Also funny enough, at the time, I thought I might be wasting time trying to get past a difficult section in Call of Duty: World at War over and over for at least one hour. But for some reason I thought to myself I won’t be a quitter. Playing that game ironically developed my perserverance.
I think it depends what that “time wasting” activity is if you could reflect on how that would make a positive impact on you. Albert Einstein plays violin when he needs time to think of solutions to a problem. And if you know how he came to the idea of theory of general relativity, it does sound more creative than scientific. He did say imagination is more important than knowledge.
I agree, the activity isn’t bad unless it is a factor in your unhappiness.
In my friend’s case, I have watched him use gaming as a distraction from his responsibilities and an outlet for his anxieties. He has actually become a worse gamer because his mental health issues lead him to become obsessed with resource hoarding and endless grinding with no goal in mind. He will die endlessly on the same boss because he won’t use a potion or vary his attack, and this has gotten worse over time.
So rather than learning, he is simply distracting himself and repeating patterns that don’t help him in life or the game. Unfortunately, he is so defensive about it that it can’t be discussed without an argument, so I have stopped bothering him about it to preserve our friendship.
One of my friends is the same. He used to be more outgoing and would invite me to go out often. We used to go on long walks and gym together. In second year of college, he suffered from depression, but it was looking back in hindsight that I deduced he had it without telling us. He was moody and take out his frustrations to people.
He had improved over time but he never finished college. He lives with his girlfriend and working but spends too much time playing videogames, eating junk foods and gained weight. My friend, like yours, just like to hoard stuff and takes videogames too seriously than one should. My friend doesn’t like going on walks like he used to. He doesn’t like going out much to public spaces as “there are too many people”. He uses the Internet space now to socialise than in real life, not that there is anything wrong with socialising in Internet Overall, I fear that my friend is living an unhealthy lifestyle. I think both of our friends have to change their frame of mind.
I only realised it later that many people have a transactional view of life. They think everything single activity must have a purpose. And while they not actively seek it, at the back of their minds they expect some sort reward. Like, the dude who scoffed the guy learning to play flute probably only wants to learn new skills if it impresses others, like a girl or something.
While everything you said is valid, sometimes that question is pure curiosity. “Because i want to” is completely valid, though I’d love to know what the inspiration for that desire was. Did you hear a really cool battle song? Some orchestral piece that sounded great? A friend recommended it? Couldn’t find an ocarina? Jamming to some folk metal?
I swear I’m inquisitive!
Though one should probably not phrase it “Haha! Why?!” if it was out of curiosity.
That’s fair, though I might possibly (albeit unlikely) respond that way, but the reaction would be more in surprise as opposed to disdain.
Perhaps I already played the flute and the individual jokingly gave me a hard time over it, now they’re playing the flute? Why!? You’re one of us now!
I got a lot of “but why?” from other adults for my hobbies. Recently bought a cheap guitar and amp because I want to learn it. Every casual friend adult did a “but why? You won’t be in a band or anything.” Pursuing something because it interests you is outside of the norm for a lot of people.
I also noticed people have wildly defeatist attitudes about hobbies. No, I won’t be as good as Kirk Hammet (Metallica) in a year. For a lot of people that means they should not even try.
I would rather be boring and be able to play the bard music from Skyrim.
Oh for sure. I’m not suggesting that those situations don’t occur, they absolutely do. I’m adding that there’s the alternative possibility that I’m legitimately curious as to the reasoning. I could also see some validity in the you don’t want to be in a band comment, because that person or those people might wonder why the choice was made.
Not understanding something and asking questions isn’t always the same as a personal attack. I think we all need to be a little better about giving the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
For the record, i don’t think that’s boring at all, that sounds pretty neat. Jam away!!
That whole “Why do I have to learn this? I’m never going to use it!” attitude from school. Learning a new skill is the reward. I love learning new skills. It’s my hobby. I’m never going to be an expert in anything, but I get to learn a whole bunch of interesting things.
I have been asked why the things I do are always so hard (implying that probably I just suck). It’s true, I do suck at most things I do, because I seldom do the same thing for a very long time.
Still, that only works so long as learning the skill can be made fun and rewarding. I think school failed at this in many cases.
As someone with ADHD, life is exactly this: negotiating with your brain to do the unrewarding thing by including a reward (i.e. buying a $40 pair of fluffy socks to make laundry end in a pleasant feeling). My “did a good job” dopamine response is hella muted and it makes anything that isn’t an immediate need or spur-of-the-moment whim get prioritized very poorly. Having a “transactional view” may be less about personality and more about mental makeup.
Everything doesn’t have to be transactional, but there are a lot of activities that will eat away at your time and your life to your detriment. I like getting stoned and goofing off as much as the next guy, but sometimes it is a good idea to intentionally choose activities that add value to yourself or your life rather than ones that don’t.
I have a friend who spends nearly all of his time playing video games and smoking weed. There is no value judgment there, but I know it has caused him to miss a lot of opportunities for romance, career advancement, new experiences, and a lot more. It makes him miserable, but he refuses to acknowledge it is a problem, and acts like I’m a jerk if I try to bring it up.
So I guess my opinion is that everyone is entitled to do as they will, but it also behooves you to keep trying new things, especially when you are objectively not happy with your current situation.
That’s a fair point. But I suppose even with leisurely activities, it could help you improve your other activities, mental faculties and functioning, depending on how you do it or what that activity is. Playing sports is maybe fun but it also improves your ability to work in a team, which is important in a workplace. Depending on the videogame you’re playing, it can also be educational and improve temperament. I learned lots of history and geography playing Hearts of Iron. Also funny enough, at the time, I thought I might be wasting time trying to get past a difficult section in Call of Duty: World at War over and over for at least one hour. But for some reason I thought to myself I won’t be a quitter. Playing that game ironically developed my perserverance.
I think it depends what that “time wasting” activity is if you could reflect on how that would make a positive impact on you. Albert Einstein plays violin when he needs time to think of solutions to a problem. And if you know how he came to the idea of theory of general relativity, it does sound more creative than scientific. He did say imagination is more important than knowledge.
I agree, the activity isn’t bad unless it is a factor in your unhappiness.
In my friend’s case, I have watched him use gaming as a distraction from his responsibilities and an outlet for his anxieties. He has actually become a worse gamer because his mental health issues lead him to become obsessed with resource hoarding and endless grinding with no goal in mind. He will die endlessly on the same boss because he won’t use a potion or vary his attack, and this has gotten worse over time.
So rather than learning, he is simply distracting himself and repeating patterns that don’t help him in life or the game. Unfortunately, he is so defensive about it that it can’t be discussed without an argument, so I have stopped bothering him about it to preserve our friendship.
It can still be hard to watch though.
One of my friends is the same. He used to be more outgoing and would invite me to go out often. We used to go on long walks and gym together. In second year of college, he suffered from depression, but it was looking back in hindsight that I deduced he had it without telling us. He was moody and take out his frustrations to people.
He had improved over time but he never finished college. He lives with his girlfriend and working but spends too much time playing videogames, eating junk foods and gained weight. My friend, like yours, just like to hoard stuff and takes videogames too seriously than one should. My friend doesn’t like going on walks like he used to. He doesn’t like going out much to public spaces as “there are too many people”. He uses the Internet space now to socialise than in real life, not that there is anything wrong with socialising in Internet Overall, I fear that my friend is living an unhealthy lifestyle. I think both of our friends have to change their frame of mind.