I’ve been admittedly struggling with my identity as a whole, especially as I approach my 1 year mark on Estrogen. So far it’s the right call for me, but I’ve discovered that I’m becoming more comfortable with my masculine traits and even find myself binding my breasts that I’ve waited so many years to have, while the next day I’ll do the complete opposite and present femininely.
I feel like I have no consistent sense of self and often have a hard time even knowing what’s going on in my head haha
Constantly trying to figure out if I’m a boy, girl, both, or neither, because I admittedly struggle with my body in various fronts. One day I’m too feminine, the next I look too much like a man, or I’m not androgynous enough.
Frankly, it’s exhausting. I used to think I was just a woman but it doesn’t seem to fit as I continue hrt.
It feels odd to express all of this but, I’ve not really talked to many trans people as I’m chronically shy. Is there anyone who can relate to what I’m going through?
Gender role abolition is a critical part of transfeminist activism, and acceptance of people who defy gender expectations is necessary in order for trans liberation. But the responsibility for gender role abolition does not fall onto trans people. I am expected like every other woman to adhere to certain gender expectations in society. I’m only responding to the same social pressures every other woman is. Just because I’m a trans woman doesn’t mean I’m going to be at the forefront of defying gender expectations. It would be aggressive to say to a cisgender woman “you’re reinforcing gender roles by liking pink and wearing makeup”, its just tolerated against trans women because our womanhood is not considered as valid as cisgender women’s.
Being trans means everything about me is under a microscope. My body, my personality, how I talk, how I move, how I dress, how often I pass, and so on. And any of those variables can be used to dismiss me either way. Your voice can be too soft or too abrasive, either way your womanhood is invalid. You can dress too in-line with female gender roles, or you can dress too non-conforming. And either way you’re wrong and not a real woman. Those same things are used to dismiss the womanhood of cisgender women too, it’s just rightfully called misogynistic when it happens to cis women. When it happens to trans women its rarely ever called out for the misogyny that it is.