cw self-harm, child abuse

spoiler

I have been out of my abusive household for like 1.5 months. I ran away with nothing but a small backpack across the whole big country to save myself. I thought getting out of this situation would fix me but I was wrong. I get stuck in old patterns, sometimes I act like i’m still with my family. I feel guilty for everything even thought my best friend i’ve been living with tells me I haven’t done anything wrong. she’s sick and tired of me saying “i’m sorry”

sometimes (often) I can’t help but cry and beat myself. beating myself helps me stop crying and hating myself so much. especially when I feel i’m guilty and should punish myself like I was punished for every little thing as a child

today I had a flashback into my childhood and then had a vision of the escape day but I didn’t succeed in stealth escape like it was in reality, I saw myself being caught and dragged back and punished by my grandmother, I saw myself screaming and fighting her but losing I freaked out and got all hysterical and then uncontrollably beat myself until my friend stopped me

she gets very worried about me when I beat myself or cut myself with a knife (although I have done it only once since I started living with her unlike family times when I used to do it every week to cope with fear and abuse)

so, my question is: how do I make myself feel better if I mustn’t hurt myself? sometimes it is things I don’t want her to know so I can’t always tell it out

  • sock@lemmy.world
    1·
    1 year ago

    as someone not going thru what ur going thru but i also struggled with beating myself and what not, u gotta not do it for ur friend it is a very worrying pattern. i promised my ex (now) that i wouldnt hurt myself anymore and I really really tried not to and now its not really a coping mechanism i think of unless things get really bad. then i consciously keep my hands open to remind myself.

    this ex of mine happens to have a friend in a very similar situation as you except she (my ex’s friend) just tried to do something that you can’t always take back (and the friend regretted doing it) and id hate to see you or your friend have to go thru that.

    just my 2 cents sometimes conciously not being self harming works until u lose the habit