AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.
TBH, the Onion has to have a hard time these days trying to outdo reality, but this honestly got me for half a second.
I’d have believed it. Wouldn’t put it past him to fire everyone and then hire a handful juniors to fix it.
I think there was a period in the 2010s where they had it harder because reality was getting so absurd, but in 2024 I think the Onion has firmly crossed that valley of humorous uncertainty and confidently begun vertically scaling the mountains of “Let’s Just Take Awful Real News And Make It A Little More Plausible As A *Joke While Giving Everybody A Hug While They Are Crying From The Brutality Of Late Stage Capitalism” like a possessed, gargantuan spider of bitter sarcasm.