I personally struggle to see the difference between regular social interaction and manipulation. Do you have a sense on where that lies for you?

For example, due to being autistic, I struggle with making eye contact, but I recognise that most neurotypical people find that important for feeling connected to their conversation partner, so I often try to make eye contact during conversation. If I see someone has styled their hair in a way that shows they’ve put a lot of effort into it, I will often compliment them, even if I only feel neutral about it. I baked a cake for a friend when she finished her exams, because I know that physical gestures like this mean a lot to her (especially if it’s a surprise); I wanted to make her happy, but it wasn’t purely altruistic — ultimately, making the cake was an indirect way of making myself happier.

Another example is how, when speaking to someone struggling with something, my instinct is to go into problem solving mode and try to help. However, I’ve learned that some people much prefer space to be sad, and so saying things like “that sounds so frustrating” or “I can see why you’re so angry, it’s an unfair situation” lands better. It always feels weird and manipulative to do this, because the things I say feel so trite and meaningless. But it seems to really help, and I’ve had to just embrace the fact that people use different things to cope than I do. It does feel weird though, and if these aren’t examples of bad manipulation, then I don’t know where that line would be

Bitterns are so silly

I’m increasingly convinced that being rich in general seems to be toxic for the soul. I went to a university that tends to draw a lot of rich and influential people, and I have a striking memory of talking to a posh girl at a party once. She was deeply lonely, and lamented that all of the people in her “social class” were assholes, but they also felt like the only safe people to be close to, because everyone else were suckups and sycophants. I got the sense that she was someone super important, but that the conversation was only happening because I had no idea who she was (I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a princess or something).

I’m also reminded of an article by Abigail Disney a while back, that explained how the rich are taught from a young age that they must protect their dynastic wealth. It’s quite a tragic thought to me, as someone who grew up in poverty, that even the rich seem to live their lives subordinate to money.

oh no

This is one of my favourite Lemmy communities. I always smile at posts like these (and I often have at least one friend who would enjoy such posts)

I sometimes joke that I hope my late best friend has gone to evangelical Christian hell, because he was a bisexual punk who loved tabletop roleplaying games (like Dungeons & Dragons).

I was raised vaguely Christian, and when I was realising I didn’t believe in God, I felt a lot of conflict, because I was still scared of going to hell. I was getting stuck on the idea that if all good morality came from God, does that mean that I would be evil as an atheist?

In the end, I concluded that if all morality came from God, that the many atheists who lead good and virtuous lives must still have the favour of God. On the other hand, morality existed independently of God, but that unbelievers would go to hell no matter how good they were in life, then I’d rather be defiantly good and go to hell than be coerced into belief.

This was before I understood that hell has historically often been understood as just a place without God (which, to a Christian view, is a hellish existence).

Neat!

You’re comparing between different sample pools, which matters when we’re talking about probability adjacent stuff. We’re not asking “from this large pool of people at an airport, who is likely to receive additional scrutiny?” Because of this, your comment about how you’ve seen people of all backgrounds get scanned isn’t relevant to OP’s point.

The scope we’re looking at is the pool of experiences across one person’s trips. Imagine if it was every time that you got stopped for additional checks at an airport, even when you couldn’t see any mistakes that you had made. If you get checked because your keys triggered the sensors, then that’s a mistake that you can learn from, but consider how it would feel if you meticulously complied with everything you were meant to do, but were still consistently pulled aside for additional checks.

I know that on the internet, you never know whether someone is being hyperbolic, or straight up spinning a yarn, but try to take OP on faith here and consider how dismissive your comment comes across. I don’t know OP’s particular circumstances, but I have previously made a comment similar to yours to a friend, who called me out on being an asshole. Back then, I was oblivious to the reality of these things.

My friend explained that the first time they were pulled aside for additional checks, they opted to believe that it was just a random thing. The second time, they felt more uneasy, but actively resisted the “victim mentality” (their words). By the 20th time, they had come to expect it as inevitable, and that no change to how they packed, or what they wore would change things. They desperately wanted to believe that they weren’t being targeted for additional searches, but after a certain point, it becomes impossible to believe that these things are random.

I was telling a friend about him the other day. She said she found it odd how it seems like he became a martyr for his ideals, in that the way that he is remembered is almost like he’s a mythological figure, more ideal than man. I agreed with her that the loss of humanity due to such a high profile death is tragic, but that it wasn’t the internet who turned him into a martyr, but the FBI (and whoever else was pushing for his prosecution).

They threw the book at Aaron Schwartz because they wanted to set a precedent. They wanted to turn him into a symbol, and that led to his death. I’m proud of how the internet rallied around him and made him into a different kind of symbol, but like you, I feel sad to think about what could have been if he hadn’t been killed (I know that he died by suicide, but saying that he “died” felt too passive). It sucks that he’s just a part of history now.

A huge aspect of this also is that it disproportionately benefits academics and students in parts of the world where there is less institutional access to journal subscriptions. That is to say that SciHub has been a significant force for democratising knowledge and countering historic inequities.

A facet of Scientism, as I understand it, is a sort of hero worship of “Great” scientists. Part of this is because it’s easier for us to build a narrative of history if we focus on key figure, but that’s antithetical to how science actually works. It neglects the importance of the wider scientific “ecosystem”, which includes mechanisms of peer review, academic teaching and learning etc.

I’ve known people who were pretty prominent academics, who got some of their best ideas from random places, like hanging out in a bar with academics from outside their field. But a good idea on its own matters very little: science, in practice, works on a foundation of trust and community, and basically any research has an entire team of people behind it.

I have no doubt that the scientist mentioned in the headline is exceptional at her job, but by presenting her as the scientist who is working on this presents an inaccurate perspective of how these things actually work. I see why the headline chose to present her as more essential than she likely is, but as it seems to for the person you’re replying to, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth

I find Scientism concerning because I am a scientist who is quite concerned by the gap between actual science, and how people use science-shaped rhetoric. An example of this is how in the UK, during COVID, the government repeatedly claimed they were “following the science”, despite many of their policies being completely contrary to what the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (SAGE) had recommended.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the scientific method — I wouldn’t be a scientist otherwise. But writing news headlines about the achievements of scientists exists beyond science. Being opposed to Scientism isn’t being opposed to the scientific method. Rather, it’s more like acknowledging that science isn’t a universal tool for solving all ills. Personally, being against Scientism also means being against the weird way we put science, and scientists on a pedestal. I understand the sentiment (and hell, I’m probably a scientist in part because a younger me was chasing that pedestal), but I think it’s probably harmful long term — both to society and to science

Edit: fixed grammar

Where do you live that you get garage lizards like this?!

“I’ve now had multiple bosses try to court me to return after I’ve left roles”

Describing them as courting you is an excellent use of the word

I respect these choices. Peak chaos shitposting energy

Damn, I bet this woman must be even more sick of attack helicopter jokes than the rest of us

I revived a friend’s old laptop by installing Linux on it, and I told her that using Linux entitled her to a small amount of “nerd creds”. Years later, she told me that it did end up eliciting mild approval from a woman who ended up being her partner for multiple years. The system works!

One of my favourite silly jokes when I was a teenage emo was “how many emos does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark crying”. I’ve outgrown much of the crying, but admittedly, I do still spend a lot of time sitting in the dark. I blame the autism.

If being a supportive ear is something you’re willing to do, but you’re struggling with the constancy of it, one possible way to frame your need for space might be to open up a little about the uncertainty you feel about how to support her, and how you feel bad for not knowing how to help more. I imagine that often, your delay in replying to texts is because you’re trying to respond but don’t know how. Your sister is at the age where people grapple with the fact that adults are often just as clueless and overwhelmed with the world as teenagers, which is made harder by mental health stuff. Maybe showing a bit of vulnerability here may help her to understand that you do care, and that you’re trying really hard to support her, but you have a lot to learn, and that figuring that out will be a process that involves both of you (i.e. I imagine that your sister is not especially good at understanding and communicating what emotional support she needs — she’s only 13 after all— and learning will take time). I suspect that the unreasonable demands that your sister makes (“when they don’t give her exactly what she wants 24/7”), and her responses afterwards may stem from her feeling unfulfilled when she does get what she wants, because a mentally unwell teenager isn’t necessarily going to want healthy things. Hopefully she’ll be able to work through some of this in therapy.

Sometimes if I am struggling with mental health and I message someone, I end up stewing in anxiety as I refresh my phone, hoping for them to reply. That can be pretty harmful, and lead to unpleasant dynamics in relationships. Maybe it would help to carve out time to reply properly. For example, when she messages, replying with a specific time at which you will more substantially reply. This would need to be discussed with her first, and I’d frame it like the space that you are needing is in order to better support her, because “it’s not fair on you if I’m too distracted to properly process what you’re telling me. I want to be fully present, and listening to you, but that’s not always something I can do on short notice”. The challenge that’ll be hard to communicate to her is that, whilst your love for her is infinite, your energy and ability to help is not. I’m really getting a sense of burnout from your post, and it’s tragic that your sister’s insecurity causes her to misinterpret your wish for space — she doesn’t realise that you having that space is a necessary part of being able to support her.

It might be useful to discuss a sort of “tier” system. For example, when a friend who was emotionally supporting me had to take a step back due to burnout, she emphasised that I had blanket permission to call her if I felt like I was at risk (of self harm and/or suicide). Ofc, it’s hard for someone who is in a mental health crisis to gauge how severe that crisis is, but I would hope that a mental health professional could help her to draw up a crisis plan (which would ideally involve self soothing strategies also).

My last suggestion is that maybe it would be nice and useful to carve out some regular time for you two to do something fun together. I remember when I was a mentally ill teenager, it felt like my entire life and all my relationships were consumed by the depression, and the few instances I got to do something nice and normal stick out as bright spots in my memory. Communicating this would probably link into the vulnerability I mentioned above, and being open about how you deeply love her, but you have been struggling because you feel like you’re not doing very well at supporting her. A lot of mental health treatment focuses on reducing the bad stuff (whether that be anxiety, self-injurious behaviours, compulsions etc.), and it can feel like the bad stuff is all there is. Only suggest this if spending time with your sister in a “fun” context is something you genuinely want, and try not to frame this like it’s a pity thing — the purpose of this endeavour would be to benefit both of you, and to strengthen your relationship. It might take a while to find something you’d both enjoy, and you both might have times where you struggle to engage with it, but I think that it’s a useful way to build towards a hypothetical future where your sister is still unwell, but is coping far better, due to engaging with a range of different support.

This comment has thus far largely focused on your sister’s feelings, so I’ll finish by saying that although you feel out of your depth, you’re doing really well. You’re recognising that you’re not coping with this, and that’s good, because your feelings and struggles are just as valid as your sister’s. It can be easy to dismiss one’s own needs when a loved one’s needs appear far greater, but you can only usefully help if you look after yourself too. That’s what you’ve been trying to do, and if it feels like you haven’t done too well at that, it’s because there is no easy guidebook for this. Sometimes when your sister blows up at you, it will be nothing personal, and it’s as if it’s the ill mental health speaking. Sometimes, when she blows up, it’ll be because you’ve legit messed up and it can be hard to discern whether you owe her an apology if her reaction looks identical to when she’s blowing up “irrationally”. Sometimes she’ll say awful, hurtful things that it’s strategically better to shrug off due to her mental health, and sometimes it’ll be better to hold her accountable, because ill mental health may be a reason for acting a certain way, but it’s not an excuse. It’s messy, and it’s tough, so it’s especially important that you are also supported in looking after your own wellbeing.

Hopefully later, I’ll find time to reply more substantially, but I just wanted to say that reading this comment, my first response was “hard relate”.

I also struggle with a perfectionist mindset which causes me to get into a “failure-spiral”, where the demoralisation from failing causes me to disengage and continue to fail.

“After reading your insight, maybe I’m sensing a change in my perspective. A positive change. Maybe I can LET GO of the feeling of failure and move on.”

This is a really positive achievement, and I’m proud of you for it. However, it’s important to remember that a quest like this never really stops. Regarding my own propensity to put more pressure on myself, and my frustration that I could neatly solve that problem, a friend compared the effort spent on self improvement to my heart beat — a rhythm that is essential to life, something that only finishes when my life does. This is to say that I’d wager that there will be a point where you will fail in your quest to let go of the feeling of failure. You will inevitably burn out and slip into old patterns of thinking that are harmful to you.

But something I cannot emphasise enough is that this is okay. It’s a part of growth and healing. You’ve grown around this mentality for years, so it’s going to take tenacity and time to unpick that and build something new. The important thing is to build the rhythm. When you find yourself failing to fail gracefully, give yourself some time and space to wallow, if you need it, then get back up and keep trying.

Maybe this perfectionist mentality is something you will never fully shake and that’s okay, as long as you keep yourself grounded in where you’re trying to go and who you’re trying to be. Come back and read this post, or other writings of yours that remind you that you want to be more than what you are now. Genuine progress is so subtle and slow that it’s hard to notice it when you’re focussed on pushing forwards, but if you keep yourself grounded and know where you want to go, you will make progress.