I’m very glad it was helpful! I study psychology, so always happy to be able to share a bit of knowledge :) Best of luck to you!

Yes, I think I can relate very well. What I try to bring across to people is a model Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, has proposed for how exactly emotions come to be. Basically, the model has three layers:

A- Activating event (e.g. a friend tells you how amazing it is to have a GF, you lay in bed and think that you’re still a virgin) B - Belief (I MUST already have had sex, I MUST be able to relate, I MUST have succeeded here) C - Consequence (you feel shittily, because you couldn’t fulfill your beliefs)

The model is also called the ABC model, for short.

The nutshell is that the event in ITSELF (aka that you’re a virgin) doesn’t make you miserable, but your beliefs and relation towards it. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a monk. They would be happy to still be a virgin, right? Or imagine someone who wants to wait until the right partner comes along. Imagine a devout Christian, who wants to wait until marriage, or an asexual person.

In short, many people would perceive being a virgin as GOOD, as something very nice and positive. That does not mean that you have to feel the same way, by all means - but it means that your personal beliefs, convictions and motivations heavily shape your perception.

Or, to put it differently - you really seem to have put a lot of effort into improving yourself and working out, right? You did everything one reasonably might suggest to do. So perhaps it is a good thing to take a step back and remind yourself that the reason you feel so bad about it is partially connected to your personal beliefs about what you should do and how to be. You don’t feel terribly because you’re a virgin, you feel terribly because you think you MUST NOT be a virgin.

By no means do I want to tell you that it is wrong - I personally definitely struggle with this concept. However I think it is good to simply keep this in mind to be able to exercise a bit of self-compassion, that the reason you feel bad is because your beliefs bash down on you and tell you “you’re a worthless piece of shit because you didn’t fulfill xyz” You are not a bad or worthless person by not being a virgin, I honestly believe it.

And besides - my personal story is, I am very very happy to have waited for my first kiss until my current partner. I have felt terribly that all the other people around me already had relationships, and I didn’t. Nowadays I am very happy to have waited, because it makes my physical relationship with her very very special. She is the first person I shared myself on a physical level with, and I wouldn’t trade all the nice girls in high school for this bond we share now. Perhaps that’s something you can also reframe for yourself: assuming you will find a partner one day (which I presume you’ll be able to do), the fact that you’ll be able to know she’s your first sexual contact will be very special - for you just as much as for her.

I hope this makes sense or may be helpful. If you have any additional thoughts or questions, don’t hesitate to reply :)

I think I’d love to offer a bit of a different outlook personally. Most of the comments I see here are going in the direction of “don’t stress yourself about it too much, you will be able to do it/ it is cultural pressure”. I personally experience that for me it doesn’t help at all - like yk, I know I shouldn’t stress myself too much about it anyway, but I still do. And my personal opinion is that every emotion is incredibly valuable. If you feel insecure about it and if you feel you should make a fuss, these is something important your emotional system is trying to convey to you.

Most of the time, emotions aren’t shallow, but rather a bit deeper. In this case I presume the issue for you probably isn’t just that you are a virgin, there is something deeper connected to this feeling. For example, maybe the fact you are a virgin also means that you don’t get the sexual validation you need and deserve to feel confident in your body. Or maybe it is connected with the need to belong: you want to be able to experience what other people feel, and you don’t do so right now. The feeling of not belonging is a very powerful one.

I will be honest - when I was younger, it really sucked. I only has first sexual contact in university, so pretty late for the metrics of my surroundings. Until this time, I felt very insecure and also to some extent worthless - why is everyone able to have it and I’m not? Am I broken or wrong? I presume some of the same thoughts plague you as well.

Probably you already know common strategies for dealing with this feeling. In case you don’t, pretty good ones involve working out, meditation, good sleep and nutrition, therapy, talking with a friend about your struggles, or reading a book about the topic and how other people related to it.

I’d like to offer you different psychotheoretical viewpoints of your feelings. I can’t testify which one apply here the most, but maybe it can help you to understand a bit better what the source of your struggle is.

A cognitive therapist would tell you that your feeling is, as most of the other commenters wrote, a result of your learning. Aka, you learned that during college people need to have sex, and you didn’t - so you feel that you failed because your learning says so. Thus, the best procedure would be for you to recognize that you don’t NEED to have it, e.g. by talking to people who also stayed virgins, and “reconditioning” yourself.

A rational emotive therapist would expand upon the thought of the cognitive therapist by adding that you feel the NEED to conform. Aka, you have the thought in your head that you MUST be perfect and you MUST perform and you MUST excel, or else you’re a worthless pile of trash. Thus, an REBT therapist would advise you to work on your deep-seeted belief that you MUST be perfect, and instead accept your imperfection - in this case, accept that even though you’re a virgin, you’re still a worthy human being, worthy of love and self-worth. This you can achieve by self-disputing, imaging how it would be to be a non-virgin, etc.

A psychoanalyst would tell you that your struggle is a result of early childhood experiences. For example, early on you maybe felt self-concious about your body, or you didn’t really belong to a group. Orthodox psychoanalysts would in fact say that this is directly connected to your parents, and that a trauma before the age of ~6 is the reason you feel so bad now… And this early trauma now gets reactivated, simply I a different context. The key to healing would thus be to work through your trauma, recognize and accept it, and thus prevent this issue from “popping up again” later in future.

A systemical therapist would tell you that your struggle is a result of your surrounding and your interactions with other people. For example, maybe someone from within your family pressures you into taking up a good-paid, respected job. This pressure interacts with your emotions in such a way that you feel pressure in other parts of your life as well, for example here. Thus, it would be necessary to examine your surroundings and understand what the people want from you, how they see you etc., and then change the system in a way that accommodates you better.

As you see, many different people say lots of different smart stuff about what to do and where this feeling comes from. I personally can only tell you that I really emphasize with your struggle. I felt very similar, and it just really really sucks. If you see all the other people around you being able to accomplish something you fight so hard for, and yet it still doesn’t work out - that just really, really sucks, especially if there isn’t any prospect of change. It is important for me that you know you’re not alone with this experience, and that there are others who felt the same. In fact, thank you for sharing this story - it also makes me realize that I’m not alone with my feelings here either.

I wish you the best of strength to deal with your struggles here. If you have any additional questions, feel free to pop by and ask - I always love to talk about psychology :)

I can’t :DDD

<arbitration clause: if you sign up, you cannot make any claims against cRazi_man. in case we fucked up, I guess sucks for you, byeeeee>

Well, he just has to have active sexual intercourse in front of the judge with multiple witnesses. What’s the problem, I mean if that’s his lifestyle he should just prove it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(/s - seriously, how more obviously homophobic can the judge be)

One of my classmates did the Hitler salute and exclaimed “Heil Hitler” - an expression which is (rightfully) penalized in Germany, where I live.

The guy was a son of our local police officer.

He didn’t got expelled, but he had a very stern talk with our school director. I presume that it was made clear to him that if this ever happens again, he’s out. From what I heard last, in the last few years he was really ashamed of what he did when he was younger. I sincerely hope he is doing okay now - he got into the police, and people like him who recognize that being right isn’t cool are needed.

Coincidentally my school is in Dessau; our city is well-known for producing Zyklon B, a lethal gas used in KZs across Germany, and a “case of sudden self-igniting” of a migrant called Oury Jalloh in a police cell. Obviously all the camera footage of that cell randomly broke down, there was blood found in the dining room and the guy didn’t have anything to lit himself on fire with. But that all obviously is just a coincidence ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Not a good city to do the Hitlers salute in (if there ever was any, which - surprise - doesn’t), tbh.

Psychology student hère.

In short, our professor explained to us that there are two approaches as to how subconscious thoughts and emotions work. The first one is that sometimes thought processes are subconscious, but they can be “brought to light” relatively easily; this perspective has been well-validated and compatible with modern psychology. The second approach is the psychoanalytic one - that some thoughts and emotions are forcefully kept away from the consciousness in order to self-regulate. This position has been debunked and doesn’t seem to have empirical basis.

That’s why classical psychoanalysis today, where you dig deep into thoughts and feelings in order to go beyond the “defensive forces” of the mind (in German also called Abwehr), is seen as outdated.

We met in college. We are in the same class, and just sat together.

Funnily, I wanted to organize a D&D round, so I texted in the common class group if anyone was interested. No one publicly replied, and she felt sad for me - so she texted me privately and told me that she hopes someone answered me. That’s how we began texting and talking.

I think that’s a cute story :)

That is true only to some extent. Frances Wright, who admittedly lived later than Washington (1795-1852), was one of the most vocal public abolitionists in the USA to the extent of my knowledge. Specifically, she was a feminist and abolitionist. Both she and Jefferson were Epicureans and knew the sources well, but she drew other, more ethical, conclusions, and supported the fight for abolition.

It is important to keep in mind that she was living later than Jefferson, and thus had access to different sources than he did. However, her example demonstrates that it was not impossible, even back then, to recognize that owning slaves was wrong and unethical. While I agree that it was typical for the elites to do it regardless, I want to emphasize that the sources to recognize that slavery was wrong were already there. Many people simply chose to ignore it.

Thus my stance is that it definitely was a sign of the times that it was widespread, I think the defining feature of the time was that people chose to ignore ethical conclusions. It isn’t just a sign of the time that people kept slaves - it was sign of the time that people chose to keep slaves even though they could’ve recognized that it was wrong and unethical.

I hope my point is understandeable. Just adding my two cents :)

I think you meant Lemmy.world instead of reddit.world. or have I missed part of the joke here?

I absolutely agree. Very well written, and you did an amazing job by highlighting the difference between responsibility (which is neutral) and fault (which is negative) here.

Very interesting article! Thank you for sharing it.

No, that would be socialism!!1!!! No socialism in 'Murica!!1!!!1!

Thank you for your reply! I will think about the first point. I didn’t consider that second homes tend to increase property values in the area - that’s a valid point.

I disagree with your second paragraph. When you rent a house at its price, aka only and exactly the price for electricity, water, and repairs of the building, I don’t see any exploitation in it because you effectively aren’t making any profit from the person living there.

However, I’m replying from a German standpoint. I presume that in the USA, the situation is different and in an advanced stadium of dystopican capitalism, so probably my thoughts aren’t fully applicable.

Thank you for replying! I appreciate it.

Amazing game :))

Mh, I agree, but also disagree to some extent. I am a Democratic socialist and think that means of production should be used for the greater good, so keeping a house in order to make profit is exactly that: private property of means of production with the goal of $$$.

However, I think the question goes deeper than that. I think it’s absolutely valid for a family to have a secondary home, e.g. when they want to go to a vacation. Sometimes renting out a hostel is difficult, one might not like the hostels available, or a plethora of other reasons. As soon as the person owning the house uses it for themselves for a significant amount of time, it isn’t really a means of production anymore, but a private property. What is important in my opinion is that the time when the house isn’t used by the owner, other people have a chance to use it - cheap AirBnB covering the costs maybe?

Tl;DR - renting the house out to others to make profit: yes, unethical. Earning money by a human necessity is, in my opinion, not right. Using the house yourself and/or renting it for sustenance cost: absolutely valid. You don’t use the means of production to take money from the people, you use it for your own (and society’s) benefit.

thank mr skeltal

Oh what?! Oh my gosh, these are terrible news. For all not in the loop, here is an Article.

I am really disappointed by this. This is just such a bad monopolistic practice that I’m wondering how in their right mind anyone from Reddit decided this was a good deal to make. On the other hand, it is Reddit, so what did I expect :/

My eyes…