I can’t just get rid of the other one since I’ve become so attached to her. We’ve been through all my suffering at the same time. But she’s everything I’m not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn’t have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.
I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can’t be a “talented black person” again. I’d rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be “black excellence” all over again. Every hobby I did was “excellence” and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.
So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There’s no way I’d escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it’s racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I’m a black woman and not a random normal game developer.
I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can’t be a black person who made something. I can’t go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I’d still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don’t look racist.
It sounds like your entourage is causing you suffering, it might be beneficial to distance yourself from them to some extent.
You don’t need to share your hobbies and endeavors with said people, just do your thing and publish them using an anonymous persona online.
For example we would never have known that you were a person of color if it weren’t for the fact that you mentioned it in this post.
If disconnecting your creations from yourself is the key to saving your sanity, then you should already have the means to do so:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pen_name
A pen name may be used to make the author’s name more distinctive, to disguise the author’s gender, to distance the author from their other works, to protect the author from retribution for their writings, to merge multiple persons into a single identifiable author, or for any of several reasons related to the marketing or aesthetic presentation of the work.
Yeah but eventually my skin color will be revealed, as well as that ugly stupid birth name. Then a stupid misdiagnosis I’ve been running away from for years will resurface and then that stupid disorder will be credited for making everything I created. I’ll just convince myself nobody cares and it’s stupid, and let it all go to the grave with me next month. It’s not worth it. I’ll never be human. I give up on fighting for humanity I’ll never get.
I’ve read your post a few times. The phrasing is a little confusing to me, but I think I get it.
First off, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Maybe not the specifics, but I feel like the core stems from some sort of self-hate. If that’s true, there are a LOT of people who feel this way and you may never know it.
Second, regarding the people who appear to be the source of your frustration, there are good people out there, but they’re usually muted by the rest. It takes skill to see them, but once you do, you’ll see that they were always there.
Finally, if you’re really feeling like ending it all, find some help. Probably a therapist. If it doesn’t work, find another. The good ones are out there, but they’re usually all booked up. Maybe find one of your same race and gender because maybe they’ll understand more deeply what you’re experiencing.
First, I’m not a counselor but I highly recommend one. It is so useful to sort things out with someone. It sounds like you are conflicted between two bad options: conform to fit in, or be patronized. Those both suck and I can see why that can cause anguish.
Is there any way you can be around people that dont fit those two categories? Someone that you can relate to and feel more like yourself?
And some of what youre describing sounds similar to the Black exploitation in the film industry. People described their experience that they needed to act a certain way to “be Black” or they were not accepted. Just an idea, but could you put your art out there in a more anonymous way? The feedback you get might be more authentic, if that’s what you are looking for. Ideally you wouldnt need to do this, but unfortunately it is what some authors and artists have done to navigate the race-based treatment.
I hope the best for you. It’s a shit world sometimes.
Now that I think about it suicide is easier to consider since I won’t be creating those things at all anyway. If I can distance myself from family enough to have my name on my death certificate that would be better.
Mandatory don’t, as this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I will always be hiding that awful thing about me so it’s not temporary
Nothing sounds awful about you from your post, rather it sounds like you cannot take how people in your current circles treat you.
This situation is not going to last if you distance yourself from the people that cause you to suffer. Family? Acquire your independence, don’t mention “The Special Activities”. “Friends” that ask for weed? Put distance from them, ignore who you can afford to.
There are people out there that will not put as much a burden on you.
In the meantime you can ignore special treatment people give you, despite how frustrated it might make you feel: why would it actually prevent you from making anything? Make it and ignore comments.
It’s not just my current circle, it’s the world. Everyone. I’m completely alone for wanting actual equality. Everyone believes minorities should just be high school bullies towards majority groups instead of there being actual equality and unity. I don’t care if other games are better than mine. I made what I wanted to make. I hate that everything I create becomes ammo in a race war against other creators who weren’t even aware they were competing. Where my ratings and revenue are only inflated and used to “attack” white creators. It’s just not fair. Every other creator is a creator, and black creators are perpetual victims. If I made bad content then vote with your time and money. It’s not fucking racist to not consume bad media. I hate being infantilized. There’s no point in doing anything in this world.
Everyone
Not everyone does or thinks what you describe, no one except the people you consider the opinions of. So ignore this noise, and focus on the rest that don’t do those things. You are not responsible for what others do. Keep your own messaging consistent about equality and fairness and forget about what others may say online. Supports creators that were hurt by others if you feel it will help. Remember that your are not responsible for what others do.
There’s no point in doing anything in this world.
You understand that this attitude is what’s keeping you down right? We always had to derive the source of meaning from ourselves for anything we do. As example I try to create in order to either make people’s lives easier, or to immerse them in interesting worlds. You may create games to elicit all kinds of emotions in your players too. And again: ignore the noise, focus on the actual positive impact you may have delivered. Make the positive outweigh the negatives. You feel like doing nothing? Take a temporary break, seek professional help.
It’s ok to vent but bathing in self-misery is not. Seek help outside of Lemmy. Nothing seems inherently wrong with you, your frustration is justified, the world doesn’t end here. Being tired is ok, you can take a break to calm down, damp the noise, and find what you can do to make the world nicer and more interesting. You don’t need to fix everything.
Maybe I just didn’t get the point of this community and this post, but I wish you to stop focusing on misery and find that you can be your own beacon of light and that others went through what you are going through.
