I can’t just get rid of the other one since I’ve become so attached to her. We’ve been through all my suffering at the same time. But she’s everything I’m not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn’t have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.
I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can’t be a “talented black person” again. I’d rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be “black excellence” all over again. Every hobby I did was “excellence” and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.
So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There’s no way I’d escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it’s racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I’m a black woman and not a random normal game developer.
I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can’t be a black person who made something. I can’t go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I’d still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don’t look racist.
Not everyone does or thinks what you describe, no one except the people you consider the opinions of. So ignore this noise, and focus on the rest that don’t do those things. You are not responsible for what others do. Keep your own messaging consistent about equality and fairness and forget about what others may say online. Supports creators that were hurt by others if you feel it will help. Remember that your are not responsible for what others do.
You understand that this attitude is what’s keeping you down right? We always had to derive the source of meaning from ourselves for anything we do. As example I try to create in order to either make people’s lives easier, or to immerse them in interesting worlds. You may create games to elicit all kinds of emotions in your players too. And again: ignore the noise, focus on the actual positive impact you may have delivered. Make the positive outweigh the negatives. You feel like doing nothing? Take a temporary break, seek professional help.
It’s ok to vent but bathing in self-misery is not. Seek help outside of Lemmy. Nothing seems inherently wrong with you, your frustration is justified, the world doesn’t end here. Being tired is ok, you can take a break to calm down, damp the noise, and find what you can do to make the world nicer and more interesting. You don’t need to fix everything.
Maybe I just didn’t get the point of this community and this post, but I wish you to stop focusing on misery and find that you can be your own beacon of light and that others went through what you are going through.