I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
Just to chime in with my anecdotes: The more classes I took the more I found out that I would never be the first or best in any field. And being slow is not a bad thing.
I have never been fast because I spend a lot of time thinking about my next steps combined with a bit of overanalyzing and rumination (which I just learned is a bad thing?!).
Life can be tough, and even more for some people, this year has been a tough one I lost my grandmother and then a few months after my father. The first few months I was in a bubble just lived day by day, it has taken like 6 months to process it, and I know I’ll never be done with processing it.
Hang in there!