I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
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I can only share my story and hope it’s inspiring.
TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND RAPE
My ex husband was abusive early on, but it got so much worse when I lost the ability to work… I was t-boned in 2014 and, when my joints, which had dislocated in the crash, refused to stay in their sockets; I got diagnosed with an illness that will degrade my body until my ligaments and heart fail. Once I became a “burden” my ex got violent, physically, sexually, and emotionally. I was lost, broken, worthless.
After one of his outbursts of screaming at and degrading me, I sat on the bed in our room, holding his gun, crying. He walked by, looked in the door, saw what I was doing, and shut the door. I felt dead inside already… couldn’t work, couldn’t “put out like a wife is supposed to”, didn’t have enough money to escape, and he’s high ranking military, so his superiors didn’t believe me. I grabbed the gun, held it close to my face and at that moment, my service dog, Avalanche, learned how to open the door.
He is for my seizures, and has never been taught how to twist a doorknob (trained on base), but he opened the door and FWOMPED on me. I bawled and realized I couldn’t leave him. My ex had hit Avalanche, before, and my poor dog would never understand why his mom was gone.
I chose to stay, for my dog. The next day, a person reached out to me on Facebook asking if I was OK, because my post “looked like a cry for help”. This is a person that I’d met, months earlier, because of Avalanche. Service dogs aren’t allowed to be touched. They’re trained to ignore people and he’s VERY well trained; but this guy, Av approached and rolled over to ask for belly rubs from. I’d never seen anything like it!
Fast forward to today. I escaped my ex, a judge found me legally disabled (so, I’m on Medicare and not scared about medical bills anymore), my retired service dog is gonna be 11 in a few weeks and I spoil him, I’ve been happily married for 5 years, AND (despite my cardiologist telling me in 2015 that I’d likely be gone in 5-10 years) I’m still here! My seizures dropped from up to 14 a day, to maybe once a year! I sometimes still need a wheelchair, have a psychiatric service dog for the PTSD from the abuse and rape, but I’m here! Life is so much better. I feel like I’m proof that one’s mental state impacts their physical state.
If Avalanche wouldn’t have stopped me, I never would have learned that I DID deserve to be loved and respected, never would have become a disability advocate and helped others, never would be seeing my dog grow old (in a safe environment) and met my second service animal.
Yeah, life is tough. Finances are tight. I’m terrified of cuts to Social Security and Medicare. I’m scared that the next person in charge of the USA has said disabled people should “just die”, but I found a reason to fight. Avalanche shifted my life in the best way possible. I recommend a lower maintenence pet for those with depression, though.
Twice I’ve had a plan. Twice life has intervened and prevented me from carrying out that plan (one of those times my daughter told her school counselor “something’s wrong with my dad”). You know what, I’m glad I didn’t manage to carry out my plans.
Life sometimes sucks, and my brain likes to tell me that I suck. When those two events coincide sometimes it’s difficult.
Please don’t remove yourself. You never know how you’re life will impact others in a positive way.
I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t know you, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I was depressed for a long time, too. Therapy helped. You’re right to think about the good things that may happen in the future, because there WILL be good things, just like there will be bad things. I don’t know the details of your situation, but I hope it gets better soon, and I hope you know that people care about you. I’m sure there are people in your life who love you and would miss you. And even if you can’t think of anyone who cares, here’s one internet stranger who does. Sending hugs to wherever you are tonight.
Good may happen to me but the good things require work I’m not capable of and bad things come free of charge and require you to actively get rid of them. It could be with maths, English, employment or education I’ve always been slower than everyone else. I love the thought of being loved so that keeps me sometimes but I feel like a steamroller in a car race with lamborghinis. I just want to give up.
Well, there are lots of places and road types Lamborghinis can’t go but other cars can ;)
We don’t always have to be first, be the best with everything. Especially school rewards a particular set of skills and neglects other talents.
We all have to make some money of course, and it’s best when we enjoy it. But even if it is just a job, there is more to life than that. Maybe you can enjoy painting. Or hiking. Or cooking. Or sports. It doesn’t even have to be competitive. Sometimes you can find people to enjoy hobbies or practice sports with just for the fun of it.
You can give love and be loved. Simply being kind to others can be rewarding as well. School rarely teaches us any of that.
Of course bad things happen. And we encounter bad people. But there are also good people out there to meet, friends to find, hobbies and interests to discover and explore.
We were given that chance and for all we know it might just be the only one. Don’t miss out on it.
I also feel much slower than the average person. While there’s a lot of people who seem to be able to navigate problems faster than me, there’s also a lot of people who can generate a lot of problems quicker than me, too. Slow people have that going on: when things are getting bad fast, it’s nice to have slow and steady people around.
Consider what you might tell someone who was slower than you. I know I’d be nicer to them than I tend to treat myself. I’d tell them that everyone matters. And I mean it. They see and experience the world in a unique way that matters.
For example, maybe they can see the bottlenecks and roadblocks in a system better than anyone else, because they are more impacted by / sensitive to it. That seems very valuable.
It may require a change in environment to be realized. To expand on your car race metaphor, maybe the problem is thinking it’s all a car race when somewhere out there, there’s something that needs to be steamrolled and a Lamborghini just won’t do.
All easier said than done, I know. The world now seems to love speed, but we’ll never know if we could have experienced being a fully self-actualized steamroller if we don’t try. Writing this for myself, too.
Just to chime in with my anecdotes: The more classes I took the more I found out that I would never be the first or best in any field. And being slow is not a bad thing.
I have never been fast because I spend a lot of time thinking about my next steps combined with a bit of overanalyzing and rumination (which I just learned is a bad thing?!).
Life can be tough, and even more for some people, this year has been a tough one I lost my grandmother and then a few months after my father. The first few months I was in a bubble just lived day by day, it has taken like 6 months to process it, and I know I’ll never be done with processing it.
Hang in there!
I work slow too. Part of what has helped me is accepting things like that about myself. I will tell people “just FYI I am not a fast worker, but I will do a careful and thorough job”. Now, you ought to try your best to actually do a careful and thorough job! Being open, patient and friendly also go a long way. I am in IT now, but I have done a lot of different kinds of work. Some of the best (and highest paid) carpenters I met were very slow workers, but they did such good work, that they always stayed busy.
I want you to know that you’re not the only person who feels this way. Do with that what you will. I hope you find your peace.
MODERATOR NOTE: Sharing thoughts of suicide and self harm are permitted in this instance. It is far better to get these feelings off your chest and share them with people who can help you than to keep them bottled up inside. That’s at the heart of this forum. Apoligies to any who experience anxiety or discomfort seeing the subject discussed, but I would encourage you to seek help in processing your trauma rather than trying to silence discussion or avoid the topic entirely.
Encouraging suicide or self harm will result in an immediate and permanent ban with no warnings. Even as a joke.
Wherever you live, there are resources to help you navigate your current emotional state.
https://lifeline-international.com/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/
You are not alone. Your life matters. You are worth the effort, and help is available.
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, I’m just an internet stranger. I want to say two things though,
One, this internet stranger cares about you. A lot. I truly hope you get a better life and have a brighter future. I hope for your suffering to subside. I feel the same for every human, to be honest. I think we’re an amazing species, capable of great things (good and bad), with so much potential for good if only we had better lives. I believe badness comes from broken humans. If they weren’t as broken, their goodness will dominate. So, i care about you. I love you. And I’m sending you a virtual hug.
Second, i had a friend that killed themselves. Their death broke me for a while, and forever changed my perspective of other’s private lives, and their sufferings. I did know he was suffering. And I’m hoping now he at least gets to rest and not suffer anymore. I loved him and seeing him suffer was bad. But now I’m seeing the other people in his life suffering from his loss. I do wonder what if. What if his life did improve if he didn’t kill himself? What if that’s a selfish way of thinking and i should be happy he’s finally resting? What if his suffering just transferred to others and the sum total is just the same as before, but even more because his absence creates more? I don’t know. All i know is that i miss him and I’d give anything to go back in time, and just use it to spend more time with him. Help however i can. Regardless how he chooses to continue his life.
We don’t know each other, so my words don’t mean much, but I am really sorry you are feeling so down. It sounds like it’s pretty exhausting.
It’s nice to know somebody is thinking of me and it is. I just can’t put up with it anymore.
I know it probably doesn’t mean much but, this internet stranger loves you. I don’t have any answers, but when I get down I try to think about those that would want to see me fail and keep kicking for nothing else then to spite them.
Keep fighting til you find your path. Its not divinely marked or set forth, it’s forged by your two hands and carried on with your feet. You have yet to find your stride.
One thing I’ve learned about life is it fucking sucks, then it gets better then it sucks again. An ebb and flow. Things will get better. And the things you have endured during the past shitty times will help give you the strength to ride out and even possibly find joy in the new shit you have to wade through. We are all forged in the tempered shit of our own worst moments.
Everything in this world is temporary. Even your pain. Ride that shit out.
Be kind to yourself young one, the world can be cruel and you at least need yourself on your side.
If your thoughts are induced by chemical imbalance due to depression or mental disorders, or if you have chronic pain, those are very challenging and no one can offer you help except professionals.
But if your thoughts are induced by life circumstances not related to health, for example your financial situation, family, toxic relationships, loneliness, etc. then life is definitely worth fighting for. Your problems will never go away, you can only hope to increase the quality of your problems, for example going from “I am starving and have nothing to eat”, to “I have my basic needs met but I have no friends” is already a big leap.
The real solution is having systems in place to handle different problems, for example handling conflict, social interactions, and even coping with unexpected loss. Life’s a bitch and always will be, but if you can develop these systems through experience, even if it takes years, and discover those small moments of bliss here and there that is what makes life beautiful.
There is other good advice here. If that doesn’t resonate with you. use your living to on a hyper local level help people. If your life isn’t good for you, go and volunteer at a food pantry or help pass-out food to the homeless as part of a group. It’s a small and direct thing that you can do to make things not about you. There are going to be groups don’t make it a big thing that requires organization.
This isn’t about seeing if others have it worse or any kind of comparison. It’s about building some self value and worth. Sorting boxes of food is something. Filling a bowl and handing to someone else is something and it’s not about you. It’s also likely something different then your usual and sometimes that is better.
Tried meds? SSRI’s eliminated my anxiety and set me straight. I still have suicidal thoughts but now it’s easy to just acknowledge them and they simply pass. I think suicide is a totally normal human thought on another note.
Well, not for health reasons
What do you mean?
It does feel like that - the current times and news cycle have not done much to help. However, regardless of whether there’s a god out there or not, you have one life. Only one life to experience. Please live to the best of your abilities and when you can’t, it’s ok to just survive. Tomorrow could be a better day but you’d need to be around to find out.
I am sorry to read you feel this way. You’re not alone in that. You weren’t designed for the greed, struggle, and hardships forced upon you by this society. None of us wage class people were, but some cope better.
I don’t have an answer, not even a suggestion on how to make it better. I keep going because I know my family and friends would be unhappy if I left. I think it would break my mom permanently and I can’t have that.
Get the pizza, have a cocktail, but perhaps seek out a friend to talk to about this. I feel your desperation. I hope you can find a meaningful solution.
I resonate a lot with what you said. My existence seems like a burden to me sometimes. While i know there are no one-size-fits-it-all solutions, have you tried to express this as artistic compositions? As from my experience, it kinda works like a nice cathartic mechanism of dealing with my existence: drawing, writing, tinkering with words and language. It distracts me from the burdens, even though its temporarily. It doesn’t need to be professional art or perfect art, it’s the expression that matters.
Suicide is cringe. https://open.spotify.com/track/6oIFhWpxU2ZsHV0ciC8XSv
