I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I know it probably doesn’t mean much but, this internet stranger loves you. I don’t have any answers, but when I get down I try to think about those that would want to see me fail and keep kicking for nothing else then to spite them.
Keep fighting til you find your path. Its not divinely marked or set forth, it’s forged by your two hands and carried on with your feet. You have yet to find your stride.
One thing I’ve learned about life is it fucking sucks, then it gets better then it sucks again. An ebb and flow. Things will get better. And the things you have endured during the past shitty times will help give you the strength to ride out and even possibly find joy in the new shit you have to wade through. We are all forged in the tempered shit of our own worst moments.
Everything in this world is temporary. Even your pain. Ride that shit out.
Be kind to yourself young one, the world can be cruel and you at least need yourself on your side.