I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t know you, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I was depressed for a long time, too. Therapy helped. You’re right to think about the good things that may happen in the future, because there WILL be good things, just like there will be bad things. I don’t know the details of your situation, but I hope it gets better soon, and I hope you know that people care about you. I’m sure there are people in your life who love you and would miss you. And even if you can’t think of anyone who cares, here’s one internet stranger who does. Sending hugs to wherever you are tonight.
Good may happen to me but the good things require work I’m not capable of and bad things come free of charge and require you to actively get rid of them. It could be with maths, English, employment or education I’ve always been slower than everyone else. I love the thought of being loved so that keeps me sometimes but I feel like a steamroller in a car race with lamborghinis. I just want to give up.
Well, there are lots of places and road types Lamborghinis can’t go but other cars can ;)
We don’t always have to be first, be the best with everything. Especially school rewards a particular set of skills and neglects other talents.
We all have to make some money of course, and it’s best when we enjoy it. But even if it is just a job, there is more to life than that. Maybe you can enjoy painting. Or hiking. Or cooking. Or sports. It doesn’t even have to be competitive. Sometimes you can find people to enjoy hobbies or practice sports with just for the fun of it.
You can give love and be loved. Simply being kind to others can be rewarding as well. School rarely teaches us any of that.
Of course bad things happen. And we encounter bad people. But there are also good people out there to meet, friends to find, hobbies and interests to discover and explore.
We were given that chance and for all we know it might just be the only one. Don’t miss out on it.
I also feel much slower than the average person. While there’s a lot of people who seem to be able to navigate problems faster than me, there’s also a lot of people who can generate a lot of problems quicker than me, too. Slow people have that going on: when things are getting bad fast, it’s nice to have slow and steady people around.
Consider what you might tell someone who was slower than you. I know I’d be nicer to them than I tend to treat myself. I’d tell them that everyone matters. And I mean it. They see and experience the world in a unique way that matters.
For example, maybe they can see the bottlenecks and roadblocks in a system better than anyone else, because they are more impacted by / sensitive to it. That seems very valuable.
It may require a change in environment to be realized. To expand on your car race metaphor, maybe the problem is thinking it’s all a car race when somewhere out there, there’s something that needs to be steamrolled and a Lamborghini just won’t do.
All easier said than done, I know. The world now seems to love speed, but we’ll never know if we could have experienced being a fully self-actualized steamroller if we don’t try. Writing this for myself, too.
Just to chime in with my anecdotes: The more classes I took the more I found out that I would never be the first or best in any field. And being slow is not a bad thing.
I have never been fast because I spend a lot of time thinking about my next steps combined with a bit of overanalyzing and rumination (which I just learned is a bad thing?!).
Life can be tough, and even more for some people, this year has been a tough one I lost my grandmother and then a few months after my father. The first few months I was in a bubble just lived day by day, it has taken like 6 months to process it, and I know I’ll never be done with processing it.
Hang in there!
I work slow too. Part of what has helped me is accepting things like that about myself. I will tell people “just FYI I am not a fast worker, but I will do a careful and thorough job”. Now, you ought to try your best to actually do a careful and thorough job! Being open, patient and friendly also go a long way. I am in IT now, but I have done a lot of different kinds of work. Some of the best (and highest paid) carpenters I met were very slow workers, but they did such good work, that they always stayed busy.