I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I am sorry to read you feel this way. You’re not alone in that. You weren’t designed for the greed, struggle, and hardships forced upon you by this society. None of us wage class people were, but some cope better.
I don’t have an answer, not even a suggestion on how to make it better. I keep going because I know my family and friends would be unhappy if I left. I think it would break my mom permanently and I can’t have that.
Get the pizza, have a cocktail, but perhaps seek out a friend to talk to about this. I feel your desperation. I hope you can find a meaningful solution.