I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
MODERATOR NOTE: Sharing thoughts of suicide and self harm are permitted in this instance. It is far better to get these feelings off your chest and share them with people who can help you than to keep them bottled up inside. That’s at the heart of this forum. Apoligies to any who experience anxiety or discomfort seeing the subject discussed, but I would encourage you to seek help in processing your trauma rather than trying to silence discussion or avoid the topic entirely.
Encouraging suicide or self harm will result in an immediate and permanent ban with no warnings. Even as a joke.
Wherever you live, there are resources to help you navigate your current emotional state.
https://lifeline-international.com/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/
You are not alone. Your life matters. You are worth the effort, and help is available.