I’m going to try and keep this clear and concise.
I’m not confident in my parenting. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/o’s life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that it’s my job as the parent to draw hard lines and it’s my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesn’t communicate much of anything beyond surface level ‘pleasantries’. And it’s more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, ‘change disorder’, anxiety and depression. I’ve done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that they’ve been caught. If I had to ‘self-diagnose’, they have ODD and are a sociopath, but I’ve seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, it’s a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when there’s nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea what’s going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I don’t know
I don’t remember
I don’t know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I don’t see what the problem is.
I don’t see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. I’ve already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, they’ve already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then it’s an overcorrection. For example, we’ve been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. We’ve had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an “I’ll show them” move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Can’t get them to get off their ass and get their license. It’s been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
They’re unmanageable and I don’t know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and it’s a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kid’s behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crush’s family.
There so much context missing but there’s no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I don’t know if there’s a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. I’m terrified that once this kid leaves, I’m never going to hear from them again. But I can’t control that, and I recognize it.
Thanks for reading.
The only thing I can offer you is that motivation isn’t the currency of the ADHD brain. Importance isn’t the currency of the ADHD brain. The only currency of the ADHD brain is INTEREST. As in, “Oh, this is interesting to me.”
It sounds as if school isn’t capturing their interests. Can changes be made so that school is interesting? Harder classes? Different electives? Anything?
And trust me, you don’t want unmanaged ADHD behind the wheel of a car. There’s a reason we of the ADHD brain have a shorter life expectancy on average, and that’s because the deaths that bring down the average are almost all vehicularly related. I’d back off that expectation until the ADHD is under control.
Is there a psychiatrist in play? Medication ought to be lowering the activation energy/removing or easing the barrier-to-action between your child and the things they are interested in and actually want to do, and it sounds as if that isn’t happening.
As a parent with ADHD and a parenting coach with lots of experience parenting ADHD children (though none my bio kids; my own bio kid is too young for their ADHD to be any of the known struggles) – You have to back down, not ride harder. Sure, one of the ways to overcome the barrier-to-action is unholy terror which puts in place fight-or-flight and can get one over the barrier BUT existing in that state endlessly is super duper bad and leads to serious hard burnout and trauma from constantly being The Problem. I know that riding them has been effective thus far, but under the hood, the way it has been effective has done long term harms. As a family, you all need to learn new management and coping skills. You need to stop overfunctioning. Family therapy (which is different in nature than couples therapy or individual therapy) is the direction to go here. ADHD isn’t a person’s problem, it’s a family problem. Especially when it involves a child who need parents to teach and guide them in to how to exist as prosocially as possible with the brain they never asked for but nonetheless were given. You aren’t teaching them how to exist with their brain, you are teaching them how to exist with your brain; they don’t have your brain. ADHD isn’t a malfunctioning neurotypical brain any more than neurotypicality is a malfunctioning ADHD brain. Both are okay and both are different. Think horses and zebras - both okay, both different, both rideable, both with manes and tails, both with hooves, both about the same size, but a zebra is not a malfunctioning horse nor a horse a malfunctioning zebra. A horse cannot teach the zebra how to horse, it would be bad for the zebra.
My own Mother called my ADHD Father some names (deadbeat is the one you chose to call) and when I realized I related to my Father due to same neurotype, I realized two things: (a) my mother would call me a deadbeat too simply because she doesn’t know how to coexist with a neurodivergent person and so her response is disgust and shaming and (b) living in the house with her was going to be supremely traumatic to me because she’s going to take out her discomfort and ignorance on me in the worst ways. I got out of the house. Your child has not.
Might I suggest that your education come from ADDitude Magazine’s webinar series? It is free as a podcast. And I would like to extend an invitation to you to join the How to ADHD Discord as there is a whole parenting section for advice on parenting ADHD children as well as another section called “Hearts asking Brains”. You, not having ADHD, would be a heart. And the adult ADHD brains can offer insights you might not otherwise have been exposed to.
You talked an awful lot about your kid.
How are you doing?
Your 18yo sounds like a grown up version of my 4.5 year old. Honestly if you said the arguments were about potty training we’d be talking about the same person.
How were they, when they started living with you full time, with regards to pottying? Difficult? Regressive? Headstrong?
I ask because how you are doing, because I started seeing a therapist for my own struggles with parenting. And it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. It really gives a chance to reflect and get honest constructive feedback on how I approach and handle interactions and discipline and whatnot. Most importantly, how to deal with stresses of parenting a difficult kid and not criticize yourself too harshly at every setback.
Please, if you haven’t already, consider a therapist for you, preferably one who specializes in family issues.
Hi.
Not great. I’m actively looking for a therapist because I can’t keep feeling this way.
They have always been difficult. We were told by one therapist “buckle up, because it’s only going to get worse”. Positive reinforcement always led to regressive behavior. Negative reinforcement
I have felt so little positivity from being a parent. I wanted nothing more than to be present and participate in the milestones everyone always talks about. But my teen has made every one of those events a literal fight. Maybe it’s their anxiety and it manifests and anger or whatever, but they can be so hurtful and mean. Then they flip it and tell everyone who listens that it was my fault, and that I don’t support them, or I berate them or whatever. Like, how can any of that be true? I respect their pronouns, and orientation, and who they choose to keep their company with. I ask for bare minimum “with who/where/when” questions, and ask for updates when plans change (I don’t get updates). Then I have to put on the caring parent face when they come home upset because Tammy knocked their Boba over or whatever. We have been clear that all we want for her is success in life, and to be happy with who they partner with and to be safe.
And for what? To be lied to again? To be ignored again?
Its demoralizing and depressing. I’m so sad and I’m looking for a therapist.
You two are stuck in a feedback loop. It’s a really tough spot to be in until you realize it and work on it.
Anxiety in a hostile environment (or the perception of being in a hostile environment) will be met with reciprocal hostility. And then things escalate, and then repressed, and it continues. You two are fanning each others flames. You may be more alike than you realize or care to admit.
Good luck finding a therapist. Remember it’s a lot like dating…you may get lucky on the first meeting, you might find yourself completely incompatible with them, or you may find someone that you’re comfortable enough with to build a good rapport with over multiple sessions.
I think there’s a lot that you aren’t telling us. You seem to focus a lot on their behavior and on the behavior of their mother (who isn’t in the picture, is that right?), but are not giving much of a description of how you or your partner behave towards them, beyond the forceful adjectives like ‘push’, ‘press’, and ‘drill’. That’s a huge element, as it takes two to tango in relationships.
You also speak of them in extremely derogatory terms like “getting them off their ass” or “not letting them freeload like their deadbeat bio mom” or calling them a fucking sociopath??? I can only imagine that they pick up on that lack of respect for them and respond accordingly. Kids aren’t stupid.
It seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues that you might be taking out on them and if possible I would echo the other commentor recommending therapy—but for YOU, as an individual.
This could have been written about me by the parents I do not speak to anymore.
I understand where you’re coming from, and yes, there’s 18 years of context missing. I’m self aware enough to recognize that this comment has made me a little defensive. I had hoped that by providing some additional context throughout the conversations I’ve been having all day would fill in some of the gaps but I also understand that these are conversations and not necessarily followed by everyone who has been kind enough to send their opinions.
Defensively, I’m speaking out of frustration and emotion, to a space that doesn’t involve my teen. That should have some weight in this conversation, but your criticism is valid nonetheless.
The short condensed version is that it’s been 13 years lying, deceitful and sneaky behavior, provable fabrication of events, and denials of truths. 13 years of being told by professionals that we need to stop berating the teen to which we’ve been forced to send pocket recordings of events to professionals to disprove what our teen has been telling them was fact. Our teen asks for nothing, expects everything, and doesn’t say please or thank you. We did not raise them this way. Those lessons have either been forgotten or flat out abandoned in their disdain for us.
Our teen doesn’t respect us, our home, our rules. We’re not allowed to expect anything of them, yet they expect everything from us, and without question. Obviously there’s a certain level of providing that a parent is expected to do for their children, but an 18 year old senior in high school is trying to tell me that it’s expected of me to wake them up at 6:30 in the morning if they sleep through their alarm because they were up all night playing fortnite or hanging out on discord. I don’t think so.
And to clarify, I didn’t call them a “fucking sociopath”. Sociopathy is a clinical phrase. Would you feel better if I called it ASPD or anti-social personality disorder? Like I get it, beinc called a sociopath has been bastardized by slang, but it’s still a diagnosis. Albeit, maybe a little antiquated.
it’s been 13 years lying, deceitful and sneaky behavior, provable fabrication of events, and denials of truths
Okay, but that’s just typical child-with-ADHD. Show me a child with ADHD and I’ll show you a liar who fabricates events and denies truths.
Would you like to know why? Read on!
Because the child with ADHD has been held to standards that are absolutely completely out of whack with who they are biologically (yes ADHD is a biology condition which is why medication is effective). But being children, they aren’t able to articulate. So they lie because it ‘makes the problem go away’. What problem?
The parent asking them if they’ve done their homework. They say yes instead of – No, I haven’t done my homework yet because despite wanting to, I cannot get my body to cooperate with my desires. I absolutely intend to have it done by the time it is due, I’m a good child who enjoys homework and wants to meet those expectations. I’ll do it as soon as my body starts following my brain’s directions and sits down/picks up a pencil. If I tell you I haven’t done it yet, you’ll ask me, “Why?” and I just cannot explain to you because though TheInfamousJ is able to type all this out, that’s because she’s 22 years my senior so has learned a lot of metacognition I don’t have seeing as how my brain isn’t even finished developing yet. I don’t have the words. So yes, Dad [or whatever parent you are], I’ve done my homework because by tomorrow afternoon this statement will be true anyway and it saves me from having to deal with your ish about me, my brain, and how completely unacceptable it and I am to you. … except that time where my body starts following my brain’s directions? It never came before the homework was due. I need help. But you are punishing me rather than assisting me.
and so it goes
Please realize, you’re accusing them of being like this since they were 5 years old. They were barely more than a baby. Of course they’re going to lie, they were a little kid. Of course they weren’t going to follow your rules to a T, they were a little kid. They had no ulterior motives, and yet you’ve completely demonized them as if they did. Since they were FIVE dude.
You’re speaking of them like they are 35 and you’ve been dealing with their shit for 13 years, but they were only 4 or 5 when you too them in. You’ve been raising a child that you’ve been treating as if they’re a monster and are shocked that they don’t respect or like you very much.
Yes, I am aware that you didn’t use the word “fucking” before calling them a sociopath. That was my own emphasis on not being able to believe that you’d rather believe that of your child instead of having empathy for them. I think you’re trying to hide behind breaking everything down to seem very logical to try and rationalize your actions/behavior towards your child over the years.
Again, as a child that came from a similar environment, if you have any wish of salvaging this relationship, I would focus heavily on some introspection and accountability, and hope they’d be willing to accept some sort of apology in the future. I really wouldn’t be surprised if they were angry at you for a long time.
I’ve already addressed some of this elsewhere, but I felt it necessary to follow up directly. My teen has always been troubled. They have always been highly sensitive. Since they were 5, when we became a stable fixture in their life. We have provided anything they have asked for, from extra curriculars, to personal support as we were able. My teen is a pretty good artist. I work in the fine art reproduction field. I own my own company. I can tell you unequivically (albeit in my opinion), that while my teen has solid artistic talent, they’re not unique with their style, or subject matter (character designs). When my teen is given an assignment to break out of that preference, they shine. They excel. But it’s never because they want to. They’re an extremely talented photographer. They currently use my Nikon D200/D70. But they have never picked up the camera unless it was a school assignment. I have even offered to buy a new camera body, but like most things, it appears to be a passing ADHD phase. They achieved Junior Black Belt and up to Blue in senior when they were younger. The only rule we ever had was that they needed to participate in an extracurricular. One. Singular. It was up always to them. And only when a shouting match breaks out is there ever a push to do something else. Moving into ice hockey was another item where they were skilled, seemed to be enjoying themselves, but they claim to not remember any of the people they played with who are peers at their school. A one year stint in color guard, where they genuinely seemed happy followed that before another breakdown and it became much harder to encourage the participation.
My teen has been through several friend groups, and we only ever hear their side, and about how everyone else is wrong or has wronged them. It’s a pattern of behavior that becomes clear over time. I understand that I didn’t detail any of this out. I honestly wasn’t expecting as harsh as a response as I’ve received. I also tried to be pretty forward with my comments that I am not claiming to be right. I’m claiming to be stuck. The fact that I’m reaching out at all, and am actively engaging should be an indicator that I actually give a shit and am trying to figure out a path forward. A path to be better for my teen. I have empathy for my teen. I recognize that they’re struggling. The difficulty is that while they’re struggling, it’s my cross to bear and that, in turn, means I’m struggling.
I don’t think that expecting an 8 year old to know they have to pee or not, and further, an 8 year old shouldn’t be fighting back tears because of our reluctance to believe them when yell at us that “they don’t need to go” when we insist that they try to use the bathroom before we go on a walk or a road trip or whatever.
I don’t think that a 7 year old should be stealing from special needs classmates because they want the thing more than the special needs classmate needs whatever that thing is.
I don’t think that a 10 year old should be telling anyone who will listen that all we do is yell at them while we’re able to disprove it with audio and video playback. *Edit: I don’t think parent’s should ever feel that this should even be necessary. How do you think it felt to me that I had to do this? How do you think it feels that I feel the need to protect myself from my kid?
I don’t think that we, as parents, should be subjected to incoherent rants blaming us for scenarios that never happened. I understand that my teen is troubled. I have often wondered if someday they’ll get a schizophrenia diagnosis because of their insistence that whatever their brain has convinced them has taken place, in realty only took ever happened in their mindplace.
I don’t believe that we should have to accommodate someone who fails to communicate because a conversation doesn’t go exactly how they have prepared for. If we stray from the script they have prepared, then their world melts down.
My teen has mental health issues. I am woefully unequipped to deal with them, especially any longer. Once they turned 14 in our state, I can no longer force them to see their therapist. I can no longer force them to talk to their psychologist. I can no longer enforce them to take their meds. I can make strong suggestions, but that goes nowhere, as I’ve evidenced elsewhere in this comment thread. We have maintained as long as we’ve been able to. And at this point, I’m just trying to salvage my relationship with them. I hope you can understand.
My teen has always been troubled. They have always been highly sensitive.
Okay, I am REALLY not seeing all this education about ADHD you claim you have.
Of [curse redacted] course they have always been troubled and “highly sensitive” (aka ADHD). It is a LIFELONG CONDITION. In order to be life long it has to be there from their first breath to their dying day. In fact, as a diagnostic criteria for this label it has to be life long, not caused by some later-occurring trauma.
You act as if this is an excuse. No, dude, you are just telling us that your child has ADHD over and over and over and over and over again in ways that I can tell that YOU don’t know you are. This is like ADHD 101. Where the [curse redacted] did you get your education? Almost watching two whole YouTube videos done by clickbait artists bullshirting? (this last bit meant to provide levity; I heard the whole “you didn’t research, you almost watched two whole YouTube videos” somewhere and thought it was funny) I suspect that you have sought information, but that you’ve been ill served by resources you took to be credible that were instead abelist bias-pushing. If Dr. Gabor Mate was at all in your research folder, then just know you’ve absolutely found your way to the wrong information. You are looking for Dr. Ned Hallowell and Dr. Russell Barkley.
You are and continue to be completely unskilled in parenting ADHD. Please own this. Once you do, then you will be open to positive changes. Else, you’ll lose your child. Parenting a child of a neurotype you do not possess is all in the logic brain and cannot come from the intuition brain.
Edited because I read other comments of yours – You seem to have had incredibly poor luck in the ways you reached out for help. Not all therapists, in fact I’d be wiling to say it is a minority of therapists and they are specialists, are able to assist a neurodivergent household. Neurotypical therapy DOES NOT WORK for a neurodivergent home; in fact it harms more than it helps. Your local CHADD or ADDA chapter will be able to point you to therapeutic professionals with neurodivergent qualifications who can provide actionable guidance to make things better. This level of therapeutic professional you need is a very niche specialist who only deals in neurodivergence. So one of the hallmarks of someone who isn’t able to help is someone whose PsychologyToday profile offers therapy for more than just neurodivergent families/households/individuals.
Okay, I am REALLY not seeing all this education about ADHD you claim you have.
All of my experience with ADHD in and around my life I’ve never met someone as highly sensitive as my teen. I have never met anyone as bad as them. Ever.
Being combative is no way to engage in a conversation. Here’s the deal, my teen is an adult now. This post came out of years of frustration, and adaptation, and guard railing, and thinking for them, and being their crutch, and being their advocate. You can blame me all you want, it doesn’t change that they are my burden to raise and care for and I have done the best that I can with the tools that I have, which I admitted at the top weren’t the greatest. I’ve tried to put the right people in place to assist where I was unable. What else would you have me do?
Respectfully, take your bleeding heart elsewhere.
All of my experience with ADHD in and around my life I’ve never met someone as highly sensitive as my teen. I have never met anyone as bad as them. Ever.
You probably have. There is something called masking where people pretend to be less neurodivergent than they really are (especially in public). What you have probably seen is people putting their best face on and then having to decompress when they get home. Happens all the time often unintentionally.
As a parent it will seem a lot worse to you because you’re exposed to them at home. This is probably made worse by the fact your relationship is the state it is. Honestly maybe you should just let them rest at home, dealing with school and/or work everyday is probably challenging enough for them as it is without being pushed at home as well. Like you can’t push yourself in all areas at once unless you want burnout.
Honestly some of this stuff is just average teen behavior anyway.