I spend idle thoughts on the painful past,
There’s no one here to beat me up.
So I do it myself, mimicking their voices,
Laughing, I should have made better choices.
I used to daydream the feeling of being free,
I’m here now, so, why’s it so hard to just Be?
Family stole away my childhood dreams,
I guess, trauma doesn’t fall far from our ancestries.
Used and abused, I was their homegrown sin,
Some scars are deeper than the depth of my skin.
I was set up to fail right from the beginning,
So I didn’t see that my escape was not an ending.
My saviour was not the white knight I needed;
But a wolf in sheep’s wool, friend’s warnings unheedee.
A decade of draining my bank dry by day,
At night, he took a different kind of pay.
I’m safe, so why does the fear stay the same?
They’re wrong, so why is it myself that I blame?
Suffered and now I feel totally insane,
Scared to call it by it’s terrible name.
I’m not stupid, just insecure and naive,
A good sleep I beg to give me some reprieve.
Avoiding but calling it biding my time,
I’ll be fine just a bit of a therapy rhyme.
You make good choices everyday, you choose to be a good person and to behave in a good caring way to others and yourself. Sure, there are other things, like career choices, financial choices, those can be studied and learnt and if you are lucky and have skill and talent maybe, if opportunity comes, you will be able to steer yourself into a more secure place. Choosing to be with good people. That can be learnt too.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” JRRR Tolkien. The work that you put into overcoming everything that’s weighed you down is inspiring and admirable.
TW - poem, tad nsfw, journalling, apologies.
I spend idle thoughts on the painful past,
There’s no one here to beat me up.
So I do it myself, mimicking their voices,
Laughing, I should have made better choices.
I used to daydream the feeling of being free,
I’m here now, so, why’s it so hard to just Be?
Family stole away my childhood dreams,
I guess, trauma doesn’t fall far from our ancestries.
Used and abused, I was their homegrown sin,
Some scars are deeper than the depth of my skin.
I was set up to fail right from the beginning,
So I didn’t see that my escape was not an ending.
My saviour was not the white knight I needed;
But a wolf in sheep’s wool, friend’s warnings unheedee.
A decade of draining my bank dry by day,
At night, he took a different kind of pay.
I’m safe, so why does the fear stay the same?
They’re wrong, so why is it myself that I blame?
Suffered and now I feel totally insane,
Scared to call it by it’s terrible name.
I’m not stupid, just insecure and naive,
A good sleep I beg to give me some reprieve.
Avoiding but calling it biding my time,
I’ll be fine just a bit of a therapy rhyme.
You make good choices everyday, you choose to be a good person and to behave in a good caring way to others and yourself. Sure, there are other things, like career choices, financial choices, those can be studied and learnt and if you are lucky and have skill and talent maybe, if opportunity comes, you will be able to steer yourself into a more secure place. Choosing to be with good people. That can be learnt too.
Big hugs.
Nicely said. Hear hear.
Hugs honey.
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” JRRR Tolkien. The work that you put into overcoming everything that’s weighed you down is inspiring and admirable.
My fav author 💜 thank you kind soul 💜