Fuck your cat

The inaccurate ones are the scariest. That crab isn’t remotely natural, it must be the work of a truly gifted and insane necromancer.

I can walk into any donut shop and I already know what I want. If you can’t do that I suspect you’re some kind of foreign agent who isn’t familiar with what you might find in a donut shop.

BTW, it’s apple fritters, and I’ll have three, thanks.

JD: I saw some dudes on TikTok that were showing off amazing advances in toupee technology

Barber: I got you fam

You guys still get commercials?

They’d love to do that, they really would, but they can’t go much lower and still have you pay the mortgage and upkeep for them

So you’re telling me that you can just press a few buttons and learn how to make a bomb? How are your landlords and bosses still alive?

I didn’t realize you could even run for GOP lesbian

Absolutely, some of them are the staunchest Zionists

They wouldn’t want to make more money because that would mean they’d have to pay a higher tax rate. Don’t try to explain how tax brackets actually work because you’ll just make them angry for highlighting their ignorance.

I’d like to see a cookie notice that just says “it’s your browser, figure out how to get it to handle cookies however you want. If you accept cookies we’re gonna use them and you can safely assume we’ll use them for anything and everything they might be useful for. European regulators can eat a bag of dicks.”

Of course he does. How do you think he gets those dreamy eyes?

sharks are older than trees.

Living ones?

Chegg is run by incompetent dumb fucks

REMEMBER TO CRANK YOUR HOG CAREFULLY IN THE FOG

Two punches for calling it Aluminium

The parents who named her Anggy? They shouldn’t be allowed to decide anything.

Working from home for me is worth about $3,000 per year in gasoline alone.

I didn’t think a polo dress was a thing but it’s named in another language so it must be legit

I’m not going to win a cup stacking competition anytime soon either, but that doesn’t mean I have to take it seriously as a sport and respect the competitors.