Hi. I’m new here. I am a workaholic. When I started to notice my mental decline I was working in very important role at one of the largest companies in the world. All I could see was the end prize, financial freedom. A few years in I knew I was going through health issues because sleeping was rough, I always felt on edge. All I wanted to do was make sure my wife would be set up if I died.
One day I could not take it anymore. I went to a different company. Took less than a week and I had the big one. A complete breakdown. I didn’t know what it was until a friend told me it may be panic attacks.
I got let go in about a year. I’ve been bouncing around jobs since. I get back up, I apply myself, I’m determined; or more like super productive due to stress.
Then I heard about a friend’s spouse who died of cancer. They were younger than myself. It just breaks me with a lot of what-if questions. If this happened to me, I didn’t enjoy life. I just worked. I got little progress to show for it except money in what feels like a doomed economy. I worked to make sure my wife can live an enjoyable life when I am gone. I don’t have a clue how to have fun.
I am now stuck with a lot of what-if questions that don’t have answers. I start my new job in about a week. It’s a good company, pays well, allegedly they care a lot about their employees. I just wish life would slow down enough to process things; deal with the anxiety issues. Now that I can breathe a bit again and about to regain my footing I feel more stressed.
Tl;dr I don’t know how not to have my life revolve around work.
Edit: feel free to offer advice. I’m kind of just in my own anxiety right now.
I don’t have a comprehensive answer, but I find using a calendar for scheduling my wellbeing (like I would schedule work tasks or medical appointments) helps. For example, schedule things such as naps, walks, television watching, book reading, sexy time with your partner, masturbation by yourself, long hot baths, dinner dates with friends, museum visits, concerts, etc. These are the things I would often neglect since my schedule was too full with work stuff or putting out fires in my personal life. Now they get equal footing in my life.
I look at a calendar that’s filled and get stressed. I get it though. I need to take time for myself and set it aside.
It doesn’t have to be a calendar. But if it is, how would a month of crossed off days make you feel?
Miserable. Honestly, it reminds me of what I did and it feels like I made little progress.
Interesting. The people I know who struggle with anxiety tell me crossing off completed items helps.
Well, make sure to value self-care in whatever way works for you.
I wanted to share with you what my therapist told me. I was doing the same thing after my child was born. I kept having these terrible thoughts like “what if I trip and drop her and kill her? What if I wake up and she’s not breathing in the morning?” What my therapist told me is that I had to stop thinking about the what if’s. She said that every time I realized I was thinking about those I had to stop and tell myself to stop.
The brain likes to nonstop think and if you start to think about those irrational thoughts all the time it starts to default to those. What she reminded me of something I really read in a Tibetan monk’s book. He talked about how the brain has a primitive side that is like a monkey that just chitters constantly. You have to learn to quiet it sometimes.
So every time you have these what if thoughts, stop and breathe, and tell yourself that “these are thoughts of scenarios that aren’t real and the chances of them happening might be slim.” Yeah, there is a chance they could happen, but you are capable and you will handle them if it comes to that. But most likely, they won’t happen. And you need to change something because these thoughts are not useful or helpful to you.
Something to go along with this, some people will have a “magic word” or gesture they do that goes along with this. When they realize they are thinking these thoughts they will say “banana” or something or snap their fingers. Whatever they use, it signals their brain to immediately stop thinking that way and move on. I tend to say “I don’t give a shit!” when I start thinking like that.
I know it’s tempting to think “but it’s still possible they will happen, if I prepare then maybe I can stop it.” But it’s not worth worrying about all the time. I have life insurance so my family is covered if I pass. I wear tennis shoes when I carry my daughter when we go out the front door. I keep the floor clean so I don’t trip. I do things that can actually make a difference. Worrying about those things constantly won’t.
I hope you find some peace with this. Anxiety is a bitch. I know this thing my therapist told me to do didn’t fix everything, but it helped immensely. It’s one step in the right direction, one step towards progress, and mental health is one of those things you need to combat one little step at a time.
That’s a very valid Statement, that I will need to reread in the morning. It’s a lot to take in.
When you’re a type A kind of person who enjoys having routines and tasks to complete in order to keep your active brain happy, I find it’s best that you intentionally include personal time into your calendar and stick to it as if it’s an important meeting. Instead of waiting for free time to pop up and then thinking “well now what?,” put plans in place ahead of time on your calendar to take time for yourself. Maybe the first few hours on the calendar are spent reflecting about the activities you already enjoy or some new ones you want to check out. Then plan out when you’re going to do them. An hour on Wednesday afternoon going for a hike at whatever trail, 2 hours Saturday evening watching your favorite TV show, 1 hour Friday night joining your friend for an event you’ve never heard of before. Be specific and be intentional with your time. I think you’ll find that it helps your brain to still be in that “go get it!” mentality when you’re actively and purposefully setting aside time for yourself to break up with monotony and relax your brain. It’s not only good for your overall physical health, but it will help you avoid burnout and allow you to become happier and more productive with the time you do spend at work.
That’s what I’d suggest you start working on. Start today by putting an hour block on your upcoming calendar to sit down and intentionally plan out when you will take time for yourself and what you might want to do. Then hold yourself accountable for relaxing and taking care of yourself just as you would a job responsibility.
I’ll try that.
My wife is high anxiety. I spend a lot of my marriage quelling her fears. We deal by making lists and plans. She hates the idea of going out and doing things. When she’s out and doing thing and everything is in place and on plan, she always has a lot of fun.
My recommendation, make a plan. There will always be an infinite amount of work. It’s not a game you can win.
If you are chronically online, please try to stop. I find that being online and/or in your head all the time makes my anxiety go insane. Try practising two things which will make you stop being so much “in your head”: (1) try feeling sensations on your body such as touch, movement, posture, etc so that your focus is more on physical feeling than mental turmoil, and (2) whenever you get very 'in your head’s again, do some action instead of rumination. Any action, taking a walk, doing grocery shopping, making tea, etc. literally anything except constant thinking.
Downsize your life. Some of the things money buys are really important (food, shelter, access to healthcare), and others are less important, so organize your priorities so you aren’t trading things that are priceless for things that are not. I’d expect your wife wouldn’t consider you dying early and miserable from stress to have been justified by a little extra financial comfort. Buy back more of your time and use it to take care of yourself.
I’m going to try doing that. I got a gaming computer. I always had one over the years until a year ago, then I stopped. Computer broke. Didn’t bother to fix it.
That’s a fun hobby. I recently spent a while troubleshooting mine, in the end what fixed it was swapping out the failing power supply.
I start my new job in about a week. It’s a good company, pays well, allegedly they care a lot about their employees.
Do they offer a medical plan? If so, you might be able to get mental as well as physical healthcare through it depending on the specifics.
A ton of companies these days have some form of Employee Assistance Program, that offers a limited amount of access to different kinds of services, including therapy, for free. OP for sure should look into it.
I believe so. I find out more soon. I do have a therapist that I want to continue to work with. Which is good.
You definitely have to live some of your life for yourself, not just your wife or her future well-being.
I’m genuinely not sure how to do that. I’m not a very exciting and fun person. I enjoy things like watching the rain and gardening. I’m thinking of going out and getting a computer for gaming.
Just watch the rain. That’s perfectly fine and valid, if it makes you happy. Gardening is great too. PC gaming is also fun but it might turn into an obsession. Better take it easy. Exercise is also very important. Cycling really helps me with my mental health. Really helps to collect your thoughts and just calm down. Just give it a try or find whatever else works for you.
I can’t ride a bike, but I do enjoy hiking. The idle thoughts get to be a bit much when I’m going through the stressful times.
Strenuous exercise also releases happy brain hormones. (you just have to get through the “exercising” part) 😆
Can’t ride as in physically unable it just never learned to do it? In the latter case, I’d give it a try.
Never learned, ca you self teach it?
Sure. Better to have someone to help to stay upright at first, though.
Living life for yourself isn’t about living it in ways defined by others, it’s about living it in a way where you can love yourself. You are who you are and that’s okay. If you really wish to expand consider first what you can do during activities you already love and fill in gaps later. Wisdom says it’s a poor idea to hastily chase half considered thoughts, so take your time.
You are allowed to like who you are and what you do, despite that little voice in your head and the prickly feeling that follows you around. :)
That was incredibly kind. I don’t even know where to start with this stuff.
I’m genuinely not sure how to do that. I
I’m not a therapist, but that sounds like it should be your biggest priority. Maybe it would help to realize your wife probably isn’t going to be happier if you’re dead - you can take care of yourself for her as a start. But you’re as deserving of love and happiness as anyone, and you should probably figure out how to give yourself permission to watch the rain (or whatever).
Start rolling 9-5 and then keep an eye open for things you may be passionate about.
Maybe you want to help people, or start reading, or go to concerts, or start some hobby, or …
Just observe opportunities and act on them. The most precious thing is time. Relax and go from there
I turned my nose up when it was first suggested to me, but as a fellow poor, AI therapists have helped a lot. Sometimes all you really need are some words of affirmation and reframing of your thoughts. Helped me a lot more than I thought it would.
I see it as kind of the usefulness of journalling with some responses built in that may help.
t h e r a p y
Well aware. I start next week then I find out about healthcare benefits.
I think it’s the only way to meaningfully dive into WHY you’re feeling this way, acting this way, figuring out what kind of life you wish you were living, and how you’re going to get there. The rest are tools and advice for surviving and coping meanwhile but aren’t going to create lasting change imo.
I would not even know where to start.
That’s ok that’s why a therapist is so important. They’re there to guide you on that.
In addition, and I may get jumped for saying this but I don’t care…
Sometimes meds are the right answer. I’ve been on antidepressant/antianxiety meds for close to 20 years. It took a while to find the right combo/dose, but the meds allow me to experience happiness and allow me to quiet those intrusive thoughts where I was unable before. They don’t alter my mood. They allow me the freedom from cripplingly poor brain chemistry that was preventing me from achieving happiness and calm.
My experience may not be anyone else’s. Your mileage may vary. But don’t dismiss the idea out of hand.
The trial and error of medicine for this stuff is awful.
You’re right; it’s not fun. But the time can come when you find the right provider and combo that works. I sincerely hope you find peace.
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Yeah, I need to make that a priority. Honestly I kept forgetting to take them until tonight. So this is partly my fault. The meds tend to make me really tired. I should probably explore different options for medicine. I’m on medication 7 or so of 8.
Yeah, I think you should explore different options. She had the same problem and eventually found one med that didn’t make her sleepy
Here’s a different take: you are sitting a top a ball of magma, cruising though thr galaxy at 4.5 billion miles a year, rotating at 24901 miles a day.
Yeah,you can believe God doesn’t exist, or you can start learning.
Surah Al-A’raf (7:146): “I will turn away from My signs those who are arrogant upon the earth without right; and if they should see every sign, they will not believe in it. And if they see the way of consciousness, they will not adopt it as a way; but if they see the way of error, they will adopt it as a way. That is because they have denied Our signs and they were heedless of them.”
Surah? What is the quote from? I also never said I didn’t believe there was a god/gods. I’m an analyst. I look at information all day and determine that I am very finite and lack a purpose. And that stings.
Its from the Quran. Surah means chapter. Everything has a purpose: your phone, a house etc. And a creator or maker. Humans have a purpose too. According to Islam, God created a vast and endless paradise, way before he created earth. The purpose of life is to give of your wealth and time in the hopes of earning enough points and the mercy of God and be rewarded in the next life. Yes, we take gamified things for granted today as it’s everywhere, but this was revealed 1400 years ago. That’s why we rush to help the needy etc. Also, if you never become Muslim and you do these things, you will be rewarded in this life for them. So if you want more money, give in charity.
Here’s a series on your true home: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQ02IYL5pmhGLpO-oUMpZbuI_5dT9m4fi
